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Nathalie Himmelrich

Inspiring Hope | Finding healthy ways of Grieving | Writer

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What You Don’t Want In a Relationship

July 23, 2014 By Nathalie Himmelrich Leave a Comment

relationship hands intertwined
Photo by Renate Vanaga on Unsplash

This week I heard the song “I can’t go for that” by Rumer and Daryl Hall. It made me ponder the question of relationship boundaries. Have you thought about where your boundaries in a relationship are lately? Ponder with me…

Table of Contents

  • The beginning of a relationship
  • The reality
  • In a perfect world
  • Where do you dare me to draw the line?
  • I can’t go for that
  • Pretend or real? Dependent or honouring self?
  • Learn more here

The beginning of a relationship

We usually start out with a relationship being in head-over-heels love for one another where we are tempted to full-heartedly believe in the romantic notion of “I’ll do anything for you”. Even though that is completely normal at the very beginning of a relationship, it is not normal, when you progress into everyday life.

The reality

When we relate with our partner past the honeymoon stage we usually come back to our more realistic self, meeting the more realistic self of the partner. That’s where, sometimes, the disillusionment sets in and some relationships fall apart.

In a perfect world

In everyday life and once we ‘come back to our true self’ we should, in a perfect world, re-evaluate our relating and discuss boundaries. What are the things, behaviours and actions you like or dislike and what is non-acceptable? Have you ever thought about it yourself, let alone communicated with your partner? Well, most couples would have to answer a truthful no – you’re not alone.

Where do you dare me to draw the line?

Start by thinking it through by yourself. Simply list things, behaviours and actions, in relation to your partner, in three categories: like/need – dislike but somewhat acceptable (borderline) – not acceptable or not possible.

Ask yourself:

  • From past experience or what I’ve seen and heard, what is it that I like and need in my relationship? It might be open communication, respect or honesty.
  • From past experience or what I’ve seen and heard, what is it that I dislike but can accept to a certain degree? It might be going out without telling me when you come back, taking my things (laptop) without asking or not communicating when we have visitors.
  • From past experience or what I’ve seen and heard, what is it that I dislike and is non-acceptable? It might be physical violence like hitting, stonewalling for days (not speaking as a form of punishment) or having sexual relationships outside our relationship.

I can’t go for that

Once you bring your list to an open discussion with your partner, you might find out that some things he/she likes, you don’t want to do or agree to or you simply might not be able to do. In the song, Daryl Hall says: “I can’t go for being twice as nice”. Your husband/partner might not be very social when visitors are around. Your wife/girlfriend might not want to be in a sexually open relationship.

Pretend or real? Dependent or honouring self?

You can choose the relationship you would like to be in, with your partner and also with yourself. Choose wisely.

Doing something for someone else, even if it’s your partner, which speaks against your core values will sooner or later dissatisfy you.

Learn more here

Love Languages

Filed Under: love/relationship/marriage, self development/motivation Tagged With: relationship boundaries, relationship vision

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    Nathalie Himmelrich

    I accompany people therapeutically as a holistic counsellor and coach.

    I walk alongside people dealing with the challenges presented by life and death.

    I’m also a writer and published author of multiple grief resource books and the founder of the Grieving Parents Support Network.

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