… and that is why it doesn’t help to be told ‘you should just get over it’.
So many times bereaved parents hear sentences that proclaim myths about their grieving and healing. We all have heard those myths, so much so that we have come to believe many of them. So it’s no surprise we, as the bereaved, struggle with healing after loss because it’s so different than portrayed or spoken about in society.
- YOU (the bereaved) talking about your loss
- YOU being open about your feelings and thoughts
- YOU remembering your child
- YOU openly sharing your tears when grief is triggered
- YOU celebrating your child’s memory
- YOU standing tall accepting where you are on your journey with grief
… are making a difference.
You are a grief and healing warrior
You are a hope spreader, truth speaker, way bearer, silence breaker, taboo destroyer, meaning creator, new normal ambassador and a human resilient healer.
Some of the myths, that we have heard for aeons are the following, or versions of:
get over the loss, stop talking about it, move on, forget about it, time heals all wounds, have another baby (in the case of a bereaved parent), think about… (your husband, your other surviving children), keep yourself busy.
As you all know, most of those are not helpful and deny us of our experience that we have to the point were we ourselves say “I shouldn’t be crying…” or “I’m sorry I lost it” when we feel what is a natural part of healing.
Healing is in the feeling. Healing happens one conversation at the time, thought by thought, tear after tear that runs down our cheeks. Healing can also happen by doing something, creating new meaning, putting your brainpower into a project or your physical power into building something. Healing is so varied and often happens without us even knowing it is happening. It also happens when we think ‘I’m feeling worse again’ or ‘I’ve gone backwards’.
Stop denying your experience. Stop giving other people the power to deny your experience. What you experience naturally is just that: natural.
Yes, of course, you can increase your not so pleasant feelings by doing the very thing you know increases it: for example looking at photos, listening to specific music. It doesn’t mean you shouldn’t do that, it means to be mindful when and how you do it.
So, how can you own your experience? By becoming and being aware of your own emotions, thoughts, actions, behaviours and spoken words. By taking responsibility on those powers and not let those be directed by what other people or society think or feel.
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Published by © Nathalie Himmelrich
Nathalie is a passionate writer, holistic counsellor, woman & mother located in Zurich, Switzerland. Her area of passion and speciality is relationship and grief. She has independently authored and published various grief resource books. She loves to help people find their inspiration for healthy grieving to healing.
First published in Still Standing Magazine, May 4th, 2016