grief story

Why is it important to share your grief story?

So let me be clear: you don’t need to share your story, but if you do, you have the choice over how much you share and with whom.

I have found working with clients time and time again that there was healing power in talking about not just what happened but also how they faced adversity and how they found hope within the dark.

Joseph Campbell’s Hero’s Story applied to grief

Joseph Campbell, an American professor of literature, found out that for thousands of years people all over the world communicated with stories having similar patterns and basic elements. He structured these patterns and elements into 12 phases, or stages, and called it “The Hero’s Journey“. These stages incorporate mechanisms that connect people on a deeper, core level.

No wonder this technique is so popular in Hollywood. You can find the 12 phases of Hero’s Journey in almost all of the movies.

Campbell’s Hero Journey Model

Without diving into too many details of those phases, the Hero’s journey can be boiled down to three essential stages:

The departure: The Hero leaves the familiar world behind.
The initiation: The Hero learns to navigate the unfamiliar world.
The return: The Hero returns to the familiar world.

Let’s explore the details of the three stages:

Image Source: https://windhorseguild.org

Departure

In brief, the Hero is living in the so-called “ordinary world” when he receives a call to adventure.

Usually, the Hero is unsure of following this call — this phase is known as the “refusal of the call” — but is then helped by a mentor figure, who gives him counsel and convinces him to follow the call.

Initiation – On the road

In the initiation section, the hero enters the “special world,” where he begins facing a series of tasks until he reaches the story’s climax — the main obstacle or enemy.

Here, the hero puts into practice everything he has learned on his journey to overcome the obstacle.

Campbell talks about the hero attaining some kind of prize for his troubles — this can be a physical token or “elixir”, or just good, old-fashioned wisdom (or both).

Return – Transformation

Feeling like he is ready to go back to his world, the hero must now leave.

Once back in the ordinary world, he undergoes a personal metamorphosis to realize how his adventure has changed him as a person.

Application to grieving a loss

Many people facing loss would oppose the loss being “a call to adventure”. Nevertheless, the bereaved would probably agree with me to call grieving “a hell of a journey”.

Departure

The ordinary world: A person is living their every day, “before-loss” life, unaware of what awaits them. (Comfort Zone)

The call to adventure: The person is experiencing a loss (divorce, losing a job, the ending of a relationship, the loss of a role as a parent, etc.) and is asked to step into the unknown. The call within the context of grief may be expected, but more often it is unexpected, unwelcome, and unwanted. The individual rarely feels prepared, often caught by surprise. Regardless of the circumstance, an invitation has been made and the individual must grapple with the invitation to deal with the loss. (Stressor: Sadness, guilt, blame, helplessness, depression, anger)

Initiation – On the road

Refusal of the call: The person can’t believe what is happening to them. They feel like they are an actor in a movie. The individual must grapple with whether to accept the invitation or decline. (Denial)

Mentor: Support people, such as friends & family members, colleagues, doctors, nurses, therapists show up and help the person face the fact of the loss. (Grief Support)

Crossing the threshold: The person realizes the loss more and more, for example when attending the funeral, or seeing their ex with another new friend, etc. They are moving into their “after-the-loss” life. (Dealing with all the feelings and stages of grief, moving towards acceptance)

The ordeal: The person is dealing with grief’s pain, grief triggers and is learning to live without the person, pet, thing, or any other situation they lost. While enduring the grief journey, a powerful secret about ourselves is discovered: We can survive grief’s pain. And it almost killed us. (Self-reflection, self-knowledge, understanding of grief’s pain on a physical, mental, emotional and spiritual level)

Return – Transformation

The return: The person has experienced not just loss and the intensity of grief’s pain but also that they can survive it. They return, non in terms of getting back to the “before-loss” life or the person they were before but transformed by the experience and becoming a new person. (True acceptance, self-compassion, and integration back into life)

Teachings from Joseph Campell’s Hero’s Journey in grief

As witnessed in every hero’s journey ever told, regardless of where the challenges originate, the hero must find effective approaches and develop strategies that will aid them in their recovery.

The same applies to the bereaved hero:

You need to find approaches that help you deal with your emotions and grief triggers
You need to collect strategies to deal with those mentioned
You need to apply those strategies
The aim is to re-integrate into life, with and through the transformation of the grief journey.

Handlettered Quote by Nathalie Himmelrich

Yes, you. You change the world. Being who you are. Sharing what you feel. Being honest about your experience.

Forging the way

Just the other day I shared an image of myself from 15 years ago. This was way before my date with grief and loss at its core. I had my share of relationship break-ups and had gone through the death of my grandparents. But in comparison to the death of my daughter, followed by the death of my mother, they paled.

Here is what I wrote:

“Seeing this photo from about 2003 got me thinking…

If I could, I would love to share a few things with that younger version of myself: I’d applaud her for her perseverance in settling into a new country, even though it was tough every step of the way and she felt alone. I’d tell her that the man she had just fallen in love with would not return from his trip to Italy but that she would eventually marry a beautiful man, with who she’d have children.

I’ll let her know that she’ll someday have the honour to parent one daughter by her side and teach the world about how to mother her twin sister who had passed away. I’d tell her that she’d not only experience the loss of her daughter but soon after the loss of her mother. I’d remind her that even though it didn’t seem survivable, she would not only survive but would go on living and thriving with Hope. And she would go on teaching the world about how to move from living IN grief to living WITH grief within oneself.

I’d tell her that even though she didn’t see the whole road ahead, which eventually lead her back home, she was never alone.”

A friend of mine commented: “Though I hate that you’ve had to walk this journey, I thank you for forging the way for those of us who also found ourselves on a similar path.”

You ARE already changing the world

We are all on a similar path. You too have the power to forge the way for a better understanding of grief following the death of a child. Whenever you share something real and honest, without obligating people to listen, you sensitize those around you. Every conversation has the power to change people’s minds!

I remember a conversation with my father. I dare say he has strong opinions. He is probably less teachable than others. His generation strongly believed in the grief myths of hiding how you feel and needing to be strong. He recounted a conversation with a friend where she used the phrase “at least she’s got one daughter and she’s healthy”. She was referring to my surviving twin. (If you don’t know my story, you can find it here.) My father responded: “That is no consolation. Which one of your children could you live without, because at least you still had one and she was healthy?”

I was so proud of my father’s ability to speak up and correct his friend’s myth (loss is replaceable.) I was also reminded that what I had previously shared with him, explaining that platitudes like these don’t do any good for a grieving parent’s heart, found its way and taught someone else something new about grief and loss. It helped sensitize them.

‘Change the world’ can even happen through someone else’s conversation.

You are a warrior of light

So, I want to encourage you to share your story and your reality. In the beginning, it’s easier if you look for a receptive audience. Once you are clear about your grief story and practised in sharing it, you’ll find the power of sensitizing, rather than obligating, people to understand you. And you will have changed the world. One listener at the time.

Change the world and know that you’re doing it.

Why is it important to share your grief story?

Joseph Campbell’s Hero’s Story applied to grief

Campbell’s Hero Journey Model

Departure

Initiation – On the road

Return – Transformation

Application to grieving a loss

Departure

Initiation – On the road

Return – Transformation

Teachings from Joseph Campell’s Hero’s Journey in grief

Forging the way

You ARE already changing the world

You are a warrior of light

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Nathalie Himmelrich