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Nathalie Himmelrich

Inspiring Hope | Finding healthy ways of Grieving | Writer

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unconditional love

Unconditional Love Is A Hoax

March 6, 2014 By Nathalie Himmelrich 2 Comments

sailor kissing a woman
Photo by Alejandro Luengo on Unsplash

What? So what I have been working towards was all for nothing?

No, you’re wrong. It’s all that matters in love!

Are these or similar the thoughts going through your mind? Let me enlighten you on a popular topic.

What is unconditional love anyway?

Well, it all depends on the definition, the origin and the context in which this term is used. Obviously, like with everything.

Psychologist Carl Rogers first spoke of unconditional positive regard, a state with which therapist should be present for their clients. Abraham Maslow, also a psychologist, said that individuals needed a positive perspective (unconditional love) for themselves in order to grow.

Recently it the term has been used as a ‘must-have’ in relationships: You need to have unconditional love for your partner. First of all, you will see the irony in this: unconditional love being a condition in a relationship?

Conditional love is where love is earned based on some conditions being met. Unconditional love on the other hand is given no matter what. This needs to be seen with a little more detail.

I love you but I don’t love your behaviour

The individual needs to be separated from their behaviour. Most parents love their children. They however might not love certain behaviour, like when the child smashes a window or throws the spaghetti bolognese onto the wall.

This can be transferred onto relationships: We love our partner but we might not love them to have an affair with someone else.

In detail, this means that even though loving the person might be seen as unconditional, we do and will not (hopefully) accept any behaviour displayed.

Dedication or love?

Are you in a relationship with your lover because you truly love them or because you feed dedication or duty to stay with them? Have you learnt to “love no matter what” and victimise yourself by staying in what in reality is an unacceptable relation?

Neurological evidence

Studies have shown that when comparing brain scans of people experiencing maternal love (unconditional love) or romantic love, of the seven areas in the brain there are four active parts that were different and three of these were similar. This shows that the feeling we experience in a relationship is different from the feeling of love for a child, where we love without the need for a reward.

Reality check for relationship

You love someone because they fulfil certain of your needs. They love you because you in turn fulfil their desires. When those needs, wants and desires are not or no longer filled, we victimise the partner or ourselves, become emotional or leave the relationship. It is not because you are not able to love unconditionally.

Filed Under: love/relationship/marriage Tagged With: conditional love, unconditional love

13 Myths About Relationship Satisfaction

February 5, 2014 By Nathalie Himmelrich Leave a Comment

hands intertwined
Photo by Octavio Fossatti on Unsplash

1. Happy relationship = happy self

It is the other way around: Your relationship life is a reflection of your personal emotional state. Your relationship won’t make you happy unless you are.

2. Next time it will be better

If you carry the bricks from your past relationship you will end up building the same house. A new relationship will only be as good as where you are at in yourself.

3. Good sex = satisfaction

Yeah, sure… momentarily. The frequency or quality of your sex life however does not guarantee that you are otherwise satisfied with your partner in daily life.

4. Let’s have a family!

Bringing up children will bring you a fair amount of joy and happiness and probably equal the amount of fatigues, stress and challenge. Introducing a child into an otherwise unsatisfactory relationship will probably tip the balance towards additional stress.

5. If only my partner would…

Your partner needs to change and you would be more satisfied. Clearly. Until you find another reason for needed change.
Related article you might like to read: How to manage the wanting-to-fix-my-Partner’ Pattern

6. Unconditional love is the answer

Sadly, unconditional love is the biggest myth of all! You are in a partnership with someone who fulfills certain criteria and needs. Honestly, otherwise you could be happy with anyone.

7. Open communication will solve everything

Sorry, sometimes it’s better to be silent. Don’t sweat the small stuff.

8. Date nights will bring the spark back

Uninterrupted couple’s time is necessary. Even the most romantic candle light dinner on a sandy beach will only work as much as the two people are prepared to join in.

9. The more sex the better

The key is not the frequency but the compatibility. The problem arises if you have one partner who is sex-driven and other is not.

10. You just got to be honest with each other

Truth is what might be honest in one moment, may be irrelevant in another. Honesty can become an excuse to be tactless or hurtful. Neither brings satisfaction.

11. It is healthy to argue

Without suggesting the opposite, it is also very wise to know when to leave something un-argued.

12. Opposites attract

This is the case in the initial relationship stage but it will make your lasting relationship more challenging, especially conflict resolution style, life style, or libido.

13. Jealousy brings back the lover

Artificially making your partner jealous because you have started flirting with others may create some attention but you haven’t addressed the problem under the surface. Also, it is a rather childish reaction to feeling unloved.

Filed Under: coaching, counselling, gender/sexuality, listicle, love/relationship/marriage Tagged With: relationship myths, satisfying relationship, unconditional love

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    Nathalie Himmelrich

    I accompany people therapeutically as a holistic counsellor and coach.

    I walk alongside people dealing with the challenges presented by life and death.

    I’m also a writer and published author of multiple grief resource books and the founder of the Grieving Parents Support Network.

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