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Nathalie Himmelrich

Inspiring Hope | Finding healthy ways of Grieving | Writer

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grief anniversary

Birth and Death Anniversaries Are Hard

September 1, 2021 By Nathalie Himmelrich Leave a Comment

Death anniversaries are the hardest.

Annonymous client

Death anniversaries are hard

She uttered the sentence in response to my public sharing on Instagram regarding the fact that it is 10 years since my girls were born and A’Mya died:

It also means that my grief journey with A’Mya is turning 10 years old. 10 years without her. ⠀
⠀
10. ⠀
⠀
I find it hard to believe that is already 10 years.⠀

10 years ago I was pregnant.
I knew it was my last day of pregnancy.
I knew it was the last day of Hope & Passion inside me.
Alive.
Together.
Side by side.
To be born tomorrow.

31 August 2011

It’s the time of year… birth, death, all intertwined… and I’m so wrapped up in my own physical reactions and responses to the memories that I didn’t have any capacity to remember much of anything else.

Grey’s Anatomy can trigger grief

The past few days, when I was resting (I broke my right little toe) I watched Grey’s Anatomy. In this episode, a mother had just given birth to an extremely premature little baby. The doctors are fighting for his life, discussing chances of survival, treatment plans, etc. while the parents (who happen to be also doctors) watch in despair.

And then it hits me as I’m watching the part where two doctors are reviewing the board with all the children who once were born early, been in the NICU, and are shown here as toddlers and children. “Some of them survive,” Alex says.

Synchronicity or self-torture?

I turn it off. Still, I will return to it. It’s not (just?) self-torture, it is integrating what has happened and building the resilience of being with those places in my memory, in peace, with sadness but without absolute hopelessness and dread.

To me, that is the result of grief work. My grief work.

Birth and death

In my experience, birth and death have been experienced in close proximity. Ananda Mae and A’Mya Mirica were born 10 years ago today.

Three days later, A’Mya died in my arms. Big sigh.

Birthday, and not just for me but also for Ananda Mae, is closely intertwined with the fact that her sister isn’t here today. I’ve noticed that in my young daughter now more so than ever before.

On the weekend she cried saying I just wished I could talk to A’Mya.

Last night she woke and couldn’t sleep between 12 and 1 am – synchronistically the time where the two sisters were born if we take the time difference into consideration.

And – another synchronicity – just as I’m typing this, it is 8.40 am – the time of day they were born.

Just a coincidence?

I don’t think so. In the past 10 years and even before that I have experienced far too many of those seeming coincidences.

Image: Personal archives

Filed Under: Uncategorized Tagged With: child loss, grief and loss, grief anniversary, grief support, grieving parents, loss

Death Anniversary: The Body Remembers

September 1, 2018 By Nathalie Himmelrich Leave a Comment

woman in a field
Photo by Hector Gomez on Unsplash

Today is the seventh death anniversary of my daughter. As I’m typing it, I feel the strangeness of this sentence. I stop mid-sentence and find myself somewhat confused. How do I deal with something that I wish wouldn’t be real, year after year?

Death Anniversary: The body remembers

The week leading up to today was a mix of waking up in the early hours of the morning, usually, around 4-5 am* without being able to go back to sleep, general lethargy and lack of motivation. ‘What’s the point anyway?’ was the thought that kept circling in my head, without any place to rest.

The body remembers more than we think or are conscious of and not just because Facebook memories remind us. During the year, I don’t consciously think of my pregnancy until the week or days before the date I gave birth. It’s as if the body gently gets in touch with what happens during that time of the year, last year, or even many years ago, especially when it was highly emotional.

Replaying the memory

This year, my daughter serendipitously asked about childbirth the day before her birthday. “Mummy, did it hurt?” she asked gently. “No, it didn’t hurt because I couldn’t feel from my tummy down to my legs.” Our conversation led to me role-playing what happens during a C-section and in our specific case. We went on to have a look at pictures from that time, pictures I hadn’t looked at in a long while.

After a while, she started to stir on my lap and I knew she had seen enough. I continued for a while on my own, being swept away by the memories. Looking back, I notice I went beyond the point of ‘it’s enough now’.

Signs and symptoms

There are some signs that seem to repeat themselves over the years in the days around the death anniversary:

  • Lack of or trouble sleeping
  • Change in appetite
  • Increased tendency for inner reflection
  • Increased moodiness
  • Avoidance of social activities or chatting
  • Heightened fear of my child being forgotten

My way to deal with those signs is to give myself space to defer any self-expectations. This is not as easy as it sounds. Life still happens around me.

Last year, on the 6th anniversary I made this video which still rings true today. I speak about the ways you can support me or another bereaved parent. Watch it here: Death Anniversary

What helps you on a day like this?

Filed Under: child loss, from personal experience, grief/loss, grieving parents Tagged With: child loss, death anniversary, grief anniversary, grieving parents, memory

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    Nathalie Himmelrich

    I accompany people therapeutically as a holistic counsellor and coach.

    I walk alongside people dealing with the challenges presented by life and death.

    I’m also a writer and published author of multiple grief resource books and the founder of the Grieving Parents Support Network.

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