Nathalie Himmelrich

Inspiring Hope | Finding healthy ways of Grieving | Writer

healing relationship

Healing Your Relationship One Day at a Time

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If your relationship has deteriorated over the past weeks, months or years you might be wondering what you can do to turn the ship around. Given you are reading this article, that suggests that you have the willingness to do whatever it takes and are looking for ways to heal your relationship.

Relationships become a developmental work in progress from the day we fall out of ‘honeymoon heaven’. The honeymoon stage is where we start a relationship after the courtship. This stage is when everything is just fabulous and we think that we have finally met our dream partner… Once the rose coloured glassed fade off and reality sets in that is when the relationship with the real partner begins.

Show commitment in times of stress

It is easy to commit and promise to stay ‘in sickness and health’ when things are good, but when the relationship is under tension, that is when real commitment is needed. When relationships become weathered by criticism, frustration, hurt and arguments we have to show our commitment to our partner and the relationship by learning to better relate and by admitting that we do not always know how to react best.

Admit your mistakes

A simple yet powerful step is to admit your mistakes. If you are in an argument it will simply take the fire out of the interaction. Even if you believe that it was not totally your fault, take responsibility for your part.

Remember the reasons why you got together in the first place

In times of stress we are often on ‘negative sentiment override’, which means that whatever happens, we tend to think negatively of our partner. When that has happened you need to turn your thoughts around. Just as you can focus on the negative, you can also remind yourself of the positive aspect or possible reasons why your partner reacted that way.

Look for professional help

Couples come to couples counselling or family coaching when they are at a loss as to what to do. Remember that asking for help is in your hands and the earlier you start the better the chances for your relationship to survive the challenges and come out the other end being stronger and more determined.

10 More Key Principles About Relationships

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For more key principles about a relationship please look at my previous article called: ‘10 Key Principles About Relationships‘.

# 1: Finding your voice: It’s important to remember that the self is continually reinvented through our interactions with others. Every relationship is a laboratory in which we can practice using our voice in new ways and observe the results of our experiments.

# 2: Communication Skills: Words transmit only 7% of the communication. 38% is delivered with our tone of voice and 56% by our body language. Remember that rolling your eyes at a statement of your partner conveys more harm to the communication than saying: ‘I don’t agree with what you are saying.’

# 3: Understanding: Remember that the goal of your conversation with your partner isn’t necessary to seek agreement, but to communicate understanding.

# 4: Self-esteem: YOUR self-esteem is unconditional, it is your birthright as a human being, it does not need to be earned – it is a given. Your partner is not able to take it from you, nor are they responsible to give you YOUR self-esteem, that is for you to realise and experience.

# 5: Accept Change: Relationships will inevitably change over time. Face up to the reality of who you truly are and who your partner is, accept and welcome change and grow with it.

# 6: Look after yourself: When two people in a relationship each look after themselves, then both are being looked after. That does not mean that you become egoistically focused on yourself but that you take responsibility for your own well-being and happiness and do not expect your partner to be responsible to make you happy.

# 7: Give in, let go, move on: Although it may not be easy, try letting go of the idea that you need to win arguments with your partner in order to prove an upper moral hand. Consider whether it might be better to simply forfeit fights from time to time.

# 8: Laugh about yourself: Remember to not take yourself too seriously in the relationship. Laughing about yourself and your patterns of reactions sometimes makes it easier to relate. And it allows your partner to join you.

# 9: Open your heart: Have you realised that when your partner talks about their feelings (even if it is that they are upset at you) it does not really help to apply logic or reason? It is better to just listen with an open heart and communicate empathy. Easier said than done? Just practice.

# 10: Love, respect and affection: The key to successful relating is not found in complex theories or convoluted formulas for behaviour. It is based on the deepest feeling of love, respect and affection for your partner, and is demonstrated simply through empathy and understanding. Good relating begins in your heart and then continues on a moment-to-moment basis by engaging your partner when feelings run high when they are sad, angry or hurt. The heart of relating is being there in a particular way when it really counts.

How to Stay Happy in a Long Term Relationship

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Relationships are the fastest way to personally evolve if you are prepared to stay a continuous student. Any relationship will, sooner or later, bring up and highlight areas in which you can learn more about yourself, your partner and your ability to truly relate to what is.

What is a long term relationship?

In order to find out how we can stay happy in a long term relationship we need to first clarify the meaning of ‘long term relationship’. Personally, I would consider a relationship to be long term somewhere around the time when it passed the two to three years mark. The reason for that time frame is that the initial honeymoon period, in which we start out as a couple, lasts anywhere from 6 to 18 months, at the most – and if you are lucky – 3 years. For more information on the different stages in relationships refer to my most popular article called ‘Stages of a Relationship’.

Staying happy

‘Staying happy’ means that you mostly feel comfortable in your relationship without having to deal with any major crisis on a regular basis. Staying happy should also include a healthy attitude and acceptance towards arguments with your partner. If, on the other hand, you expect that you will never be upset at your partner or that there will never be a negative feeling between you, then you are either denying human reality and/or should probably stay single.

Relationships change over time

Relationships will inevitably change with time. Initially, most couples experience a high level of passion, arousal and loving feelings towards their partner. After the honeymoon period, and when differentiation sets in, we perceive our partner with a more realistic eye, which also means that we come to realise that our previous ‘perfect partner’ might not be that perfect after all. That is the time when you are required to face up to reality and you can choose to continue with your relationship with more true openness to what is, accepting its change and grow with it.

Love and connection beyond the effect of hormones

Staying happy in a long term relationship means that you are willing to accept and work with those changes. It means that you find a love and connection deeper than the one powered by hormones. Dealing with differences and accepting disagreeing with your partner are part of any long term relationship.

Communication and openness

A long term relationship will eventually bring out your true self and that of your partner. This can be an uncomfortable evolution as you are being faced with your own, as well as your partner’s, less pleasant parts. That is when open communication, about self, others and the relationship, and acceptance of self and others become major milestones and achievements in your self-development!

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    Nathalie Himmelrich

    I accompany people therapeutically as a holistic counsellor and coach. I walk alongside people dealing with the challenges presented by life and death.

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