Nathalie Himmelrich

Inspiring Hope | Finding healthy ways of Grieving | Writer

couples communication

10 More Key Principles About Relationships

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For more key principles about a relationship please look at my previous article called: ‘10 Key Principles About Relationships‘.

# 1: Finding your voice: It’s important to remember that the self is continually reinvented through our interactions with others. Every relationship is a laboratory in which we can practice using our voice in new ways and observe the results of our experiments.

# 2: Communication Skills: Words transmit only 7% of the communication. 38% is delivered with our tone of voice and 56% by our body language. Remember that rolling your eyes at a statement of your partner conveys more harm to the communication than saying: ‘I don’t agree with what you are saying.’

# 3: Understanding: Remember that the goal of your conversation with your partner isn’t necessary to seek agreement, but to communicate understanding.

# 4: Self-esteem: YOUR self-esteem is unconditional, it is your birthright as a human being, it does not need to be earned – it is a given. Your partner is not able to take it from you, nor are they responsible to give you YOUR self-esteem, that is for you to realise and experience.

# 5: Accept Change: Relationships will inevitably change over time. Face up to the reality of who you truly are and who your partner is, accept and welcome change and grow with it.

# 6: Look after yourself: When two people in a relationship each look after themselves, then both are being looked after. That does not mean that you become egoistically focused on yourself but that you take responsibility for your own well-being and happiness and do not expect your partner to be responsible to make you happy.

# 7: Give in, let go, move on: Although it may not be easy, try letting go of the idea that you need to win arguments with your partner in order to prove an upper moral hand. Consider whether it might be better to simply forfeit fights from time to time.

# 8: Laugh about yourself: Remember to not take yourself too seriously in the relationship. Laughing about yourself and your patterns of reactions sometimes makes it easier to relate. And it allows your partner to join you.

# 9: Open your heart: Have you realised that when your partner talks about their feelings (even if it is that they are upset at you) it does not really help to apply logic or reason? It is better to just listen with an open heart and communicate empathy. Easier said than done? Just practice.

# 10: Love, respect and affection: The key to successful relating is not found in complex theories or convoluted formulas for behaviour. It is based on the deepest feeling of love, respect and affection for your partner, and is demonstrated simply through empathy and understanding. Good relating begins in your heart and then continues on a moment-to-moment basis by engaging your partner when feelings run high when they are sad, angry or hurt. The heart of relating is being there in a particular way when it really counts.

The 7 C’s of Communication

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Communication is the basis of every human interaction, whether it is verbal or non-verbal. Connection can only occur once communication in one form or another occurs. Human beings are made to connect and communicate. Imagine if for one day you were not able to communicate with any human being – how would that feel?

Connect

Once you connect through communication your personal input will determine the quality and the depth of connection you form. Connection happens on many levels, from a mental, emotional or physical to an energetic or even spiritual level. A connection can last between moments and a lifetime.

Create

Communication is here to create a connection with others. It allows you to get to know someone new, to make new acquaintances or friends and to create new sources of experiences in your life. Be mindful of what you create with your communication, especially as it consists of body language, which is 55% of the whole communication, tone of voice, 38%, and the words, which astonishingly transmit only 7% of the whole communication.

Converse

To converse from Latin means ‘to turn around’, to engage in conversation, the informal exchange of ideas by spoken words. Every conversation consists of a speaker and a listener. More often than not while communicating we focus on our turn speaking and forget to truly listen. Active listening is a skill that can be trained and if you truly want to have quality interactions you need to become an excellent listener.

Cooperate and Compromise

As important as the content of communication is the ability of the people involved to cooperate and compromise. As mentioned in the paragraph above allowing others to speak is the foundation of any conversation. If you find this challenging, learn and practice the art of active listening. The next step is to accept differences in opinions and perspectives, which does not necessarily mean to agree with them.

Clarify

Ask for clarification! Words are only labels and descriptors for things, experiences and meanings but they are not the things themselves. Remember to question your assumptions before continuing the conversation.

Come together

Every communication is a coming together of souls. Treat it as a sacred opportunity to learn something new, even if it is about someone or something you think you already know.

How to Stay Happy in a Long Term Relationship

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Relationships are the fastest way to personally evolve if you are prepared to stay a continuous student. Any relationship will, sooner or later, bring up and highlight areas in which you can learn more about yourself, your partner and your ability to truly relate to what is.

What is a long term relationship?

In order to find out how we can stay happy in a long term relationship we need to first clarify the meaning of ‘long term relationship’. Personally, I would consider a relationship to be long term somewhere around the time when it passed the two to three years mark. The reason for that time frame is that the initial honeymoon period, in which we start out as a couple, lasts anywhere from 6 to 18 months, at the most – and if you are lucky – 3 years. For more information on the different stages in relationships refer to my most popular article called ‘Stages of a Relationship’.

Staying happy

‘Staying happy’ means that you mostly feel comfortable in your relationship without having to deal with any major crisis on a regular basis. Staying happy should also include a healthy attitude and acceptance towards arguments with your partner. If, on the other hand, you expect that you will never be upset at your partner or that there will never be a negative feeling between you, then you are either denying human reality and/or should probably stay single.

Relationships change over time

Relationships will inevitably change with time. Initially, most couples experience a high level of passion, arousal and loving feelings towards their partner. After the honeymoon period, and when differentiation sets in, we perceive our partner with a more realistic eye, which also means that we come to realise that our previous ‘perfect partner’ might not be that perfect after all. That is the time when you are required to face up to reality and you can choose to continue with your relationship with more true openness to what is, accepting its change and grow with it.

Love and connection beyond the effect of hormones

Staying happy in a long term relationship means that you are willing to accept and work with those changes. It means that you find a love and connection deeper than the one powered by hormones. Dealing with differences and accepting disagreeing with your partner are part of any long term relationship.

Communication and openness

A long term relationship will eventually bring out your true self and that of your partner. This can be an uncomfortable evolution as you are being faced with your own, as well as your partner’s, less pleasant parts. That is when open communication, about self, others and the relationship, and acceptance of self and others become major milestones and achievements in your self-development!

Improving Communication in Your Relationship – 3 Important Tips

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Some people might naturally be more talented at communicating than others and this still does not mean that you just have to shrug your shoulders and accept things the way they are. Communication is a skill and therefore can be learnt, trained and improved with willingness and dedicated practice.

Tip #1: Listening

Becoming a better listener is the first part in practicing your communication skills. It is when you really listen to your partner that you will find out what is really going on. Often we make assumptions based on past experiences and fail to notice changes.

Start to practice listening by summarizing and feeding back to your partner what you have heard. Refrain from paraphrasing and adding your own interpretation. Ask clarifying questions, even if you think you know. Let your partner know that you have your own idea of what you think they mean but you are genuinely interested in what THEY meant.

Tip #2: Take time

Take time to have an in-depth conversation. If you need to, make it a date or an appointed time in your calendar if you have to juggle children, work commitments and courses or study. Allow each of you to take turn in speaking and listening. Remember to choose a specific place that suits the conversation you are going to have, for example discussing child-rearing when the children are in bed as opposed to on the dinner table.

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