Nathalie Himmelrich

Inspiring Hope | Finding healthy ways of Grieving | Writer

relationship communication

Why Your Are Not Successful in Communicating With Your Partner – Issues of Content

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The real reason for communication failures is often the lack of awareness of what is really happening. If you understand what level your challenges truly are and what you are communicating about, whether it is content or structure, you are then able to deal with the real issues. This article will look at the issues of content.

Content issues:

  • Discussing more than one topic
  • Referencing past issues
  • Changing the topic
  • Assumptions and unspoken expectations
  • Consciously hiding important information
  • Adding different seemingly similar situations or topics

Stay with one topic!

It is very common to mix and mingle different topics, referencing issues that haven’t fully been dealt with in the past or changing the topic mid-conversation. Let’s face it: Concentrating on one thing is difficult for most of us.

What is helpful is, if you agree on what it is that you are talking about and – assuming you have made sure that your structural situation is supportive – stick with it. If you notice that there is another topic creeping into the conversation make it a topic for another conversation. Set a time and date to discuss this and return to the current affair.

Referencing the past will most likely just fuel unresolved hurt, create more hurt, lead to criticism, defensiveness and stonewalling, which will lead you down the rabbit-hole of John Gottman’s ‘Four Horseman of the Apocalypse’.

If you notice that the topic has changed, find out whether the original one has been dealt with to satisfaction. If not, return to it and finish it. The same applies to adding seemingly similar situations or topics.

Assumptions and unspoken expectations

When noticing disagreement or emotionality creeping up in conversation, there is a high likelihood for assumptions which haven’t been clarified or expectations that are looming but not communicated. Ask yourself: What do you believe about your partner or the issue, which you haven’t yet clarified? What expectations do you have about your partner or the topic that haven’t yet been brought out into the open?

Often, these are actually the underlying problem of the current topic. This is an important distinction to make: The underlying problem will surface in different situations and, if it is a solvable problem which is adequately dealt with and sufficient time is allowed for the change to occur, it will disappear. The current topic is only the example in which it is shown in the present moment.

Hiding information

A secret lives energetically with a couple, whether it has been made consciously aware or not. If you’re consciously hiding important information, that would lead to solving an issue, ask yourself: What is the benefit for me? What am I trying to get?

It might be about keeping the power structure between you and your partner intact or avoiding him or her leaving you. Once you have more insight, it’s up to you to move on.

Unsolvable issues

Relationship researcher John Gottman says that 69% of issues a couple have are unsolvable. So the question becomes not just about “How can we solve our issues?” but “How can we be happy despite our unsolvable issues (differences)?”

Why You Are Not Successful in Communicating With Your Partner

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Photo by Chermiti Mohamed on Unsplash

The real reason for communication failures is often the lack of awareness of what is really happening. If you understand what level your challenges truly are and what you are communicating about, whether it is content or structure, you are then able to deal with the real issues.

A lot of couples struggle to successfully communicate on an issue (content) because they are unaware of the way they communicate (structure). Over time, unresolved hurt from previously escalated communication attempts to keep surfacing and dominating each conversation. This means that the lack of skilful communication structure impedes the resolution on a content level.

You are speaking lots, even while you are not talking…

Structural issue:

Un-resourceful ways of listening

  • Finishing the other’s sentences
  • Lack of supportive non-verbal cues
  • Inability to truly listen (=active listening)

Un-resourceful ways of talking

  • Interrupting
  • Talking in monologue
  • Different structures of talking
  • Recycling old issues
  • Using any of the emotional-based strategies

Unhelpful situations

  • unsuitable or not enough time
  • unsuitable environment

Emotionally based issues affecting communication:

  • blaming
  • criticizing
  • projecting
  • attacking
  • stonewalling
  • shutting down
  • disrespectful way of talking
  • name-calling
  • deflecting
  • personalizing
  • assuming without clarifying

Content issues:

  • Discussing more than one topic
  • Referencing past issues
  • Changing the topic
  • Assumptions and unspoken expectations
  • Consciously hiding important information
  • Adding different seemingly similar situations or topics

If you are truly aware and consciously reflecting on your communication, you will have noticed that ‘talking about something’ is never just as simple as it sounds.

Most of us believe that as adults we should be able to communicate, make someone and especially our partner understand what we mean and feel understood by them. What we fail to notice is that in any conversation, and especially with someone that you feel close, there is potential to be hurt based on what we decide to reveal. We are the most vulnerable with the people we share most intimately.

So, what can we do?

What are ways to repair the damage that has happened in a relationship and return to meaningful and successful communication?

First of all, we have to accept that even though we might be highly skilled at certain skills we can always learn and practice something and especially in areas like communication, even though we use it every day.

Second, we need to accept that we might be unaware or unconscious of our shortcomings. Experiencing misunderstanding and challenges, especially in our closest relationships are testimony to the fact that there are skills we need to update which we are still unconscious about.

Third, we need to be willing to learn and understand, have someone show us our blind spot and be humble enough to say: “OK, I might not yet be able to see it, but trust I can learn and practice to improve.”

It Is the Relationship Journey That Counts

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Photo by Shingi Rice on Unsplash

Today in a client’ session I heard myself say: A happy relationship with your partner might be your goal but it is not the purpose of (relationship) life. Let me explain.

The journey that counts

The famous quote “It’s not the destination but the journey that counts” leaves some questions unanswered:

  • What is on the journey?
  • What specifically counts as part of the journey
  • What does it really mean?

Quotes are nice but often leave a lot to personal interpretation. Let’s have a look at that quote in relation to your relationship life.

Relationship struggles

Whether intimate, casual or relationships with siblings, parents, friends, colleagues, or employers – relationship are seldom easy. Even the best of friends struggle with each other, have misunderstandings or fights.

This is normal and to be expected.

Relationships, and specifically the closer they are, have the potential within themselves to trigger and bring up any unresolved issues.

On your journey with relationship you will encounter struggles, sooner or later, if you are not just leaving any relationship before it gets close enough.

You see Mum and Dad

“Whatever you do, where ever you go, you see Mum and Dad and they see you.” This quote describes the transference we deal with in life on a daily basis. The person you meet might remind you of your mother or father, consciously or unconsciously and you are challenged with similar topics to those of your relationship with your mother or father.

You receive the chance to finish up the business you still have open (=left unfinished) between you. These are the stops along your relationship life, which will allow you to grow personally, no matter who you are in a relationship with and learning the lesson.

What’s the connection between relationships and the purpose of life?

In an intimate relationship, specifically with the person, we feel closest to, we want to be happy, understood, seen, appreciated, nurtured, loved, admired, listened to… basically have our needs met. The goal might be this ultimate relationship. The purpose however is that the same. The purpose of your intimate relationship is to heal those wounds that have been left unattained. To become aware of them, we are triggering each other’s sore points (=wounds), mostly without mal-intent or conscious knowledge.

Wounds you will encounter

There are only a few basic wounds or topic that the issues you’re facing will fall under:

  • Rejection
  • Abandonment
  • Humiliation
  • Betrayal (of trust)
  • Injustice

Some of those five wounds will interact or be experienced in combination.

In fact, it does not even really matter who you are relating to. If you can embrace the purpose of learning and growing while relating, any relationship will make a lot more sense.

Relationship Wisdom – 10 Communication Keys

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keys
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In relationship communication, we fall into the traps of ‘heard that before’ and ‘I know what he or she is going to say’. We often listen more to our own mind chatter than to the conversation that is going on in real life. We have failed to attend to our own needs and are therefore unable to be truly there for the most important person in our lives: our self. In response to which we can therefore not be there for the second most important person – our partner.

Key number 1:
In relationship communication make sure to pay more attention to the HOW and WHY of what you are saying than to WHAT you are actually saying.

Key number 2:
Start a sentence with ‘I’ instead of ‘you’. This enables you to take responsibility and avoids projecting blame onto your partner. Talk about your own perspective and own your feelings.

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How Relationships Are Affected When Communication is Poor

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Photo by Kelly Searle on Unsplash

The quality of your communication is directly proportional to the quality of your relationship.

This sentence says it: when your communication is poor, so is your relationship. All of you who read this article will have experienced or are currently experiencing a relationship affected by poor communication. This article will look at how specifically it can affect the relationship.

Starting with the first affects it has on you personally I will then move to the later affects and also the implication is can have on family and the wider community.

Low satisfaction

First and foremost: communication is critical, if not the most critical building block of a relationship. If communication is poor, lacking or challenging, then the relationship suffers and does not satisfy human basic needs of connection. On a personal level, you might feel sad, disillusioned, upset, angry or frustrated.

Lack of support

Couples also notice a lack of emotional, physical and mental support when communication is disintegrating. Talking to each other is an important way to download the daily grind which supports the psychological and physical wellbeing of the individual.

Reduced intimacy

With the lack of stimulating communication and connection, we will also notice a reduced or lack of intimacy. Both partner, but especially women need to feel connected and understood which happens when communication is working well before they feel like being intimate. Your frequency of sexual intercourse will most likely be influenced by poor communication and will reduce further if the problem is not addressed.

Affected health

If communication is continuously poor or lacking there could also be implications on your state of health. Unhappiness, depression, lack of motivation are only some common example of people living in relationships that are defined by inadequate communication. When you think about elderly people living on their own with very little opportunity to communicate you will notice their general state of health will immediately be positively affected when they have interactions.

Arguments, separation and divorce

At the end of the scale and when arguments have continued over a long period of time, relationships will often end up in separation and divorce. If there are children involved it can lead to numerous additional problems like parenting disputes, child support challenges and academic or behavioural school problems for the children.

Improving Communication in Your Relationship – 3 Important Tips

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Photo by Raffy John Jimenez on Unsplash

Some people might naturally be more talented at communicating than others and this still does not mean that you just have to shrug your shoulders and accept things the way they are. Communication is a skill and therefore can be learnt, trained and improved with willingness and dedicated practice.

Tip #1: Listening

Becoming a better listener is the first part in practicing your communication skills. It is when you really listen to your partner that you will find out what is really going on. Often we make assumptions based on past experiences and fail to notice changes.

Start to practice listening by summarizing and feeding back to your partner what you have heard. Refrain from paraphrasing and adding your own interpretation. Ask clarifying questions, even if you think you know. Let your partner know that you have your own idea of what you think they mean but you are genuinely interested in what THEY meant.

Tip #2: Take time

Take time to have an in-depth conversation. If you need to, make it a date or an appointed time in your calendar if you have to juggle children, work commitments and courses or study. Allow each of you to take turn in speaking and listening. Remember to choose a specific place that suits the conversation you are going to have, for example discussing child-rearing when the children are in bed as opposed to on the dinner table.

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