Nathalie Himmelrich

Inspiring Hope | Finding healthy ways of Grieving | Writer

relationship conflict

It Is the Relationship Journey That Counts

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Today in a client’ session I heard myself say: A happy relationship with your partner might be your goal but it is not the purpose of (relationship) life. Let me explain.

The journey that counts

The famous quote “It’s not the destination but the journey that counts” leaves some questions unanswered:

  • What is on the journey?
  • What specifically counts as part of the journey
  • What does it really mean?

Quotes are nice but often leave a lot to personal interpretation. Let’s have a look at that quote in relation to your relationship life.

Relationship struggles

Whether intimate, casual or relationships with siblings, parents, friends, colleagues, or employers – relationship are seldom easy. Even the best of friends struggle with each other, have misunderstandings or fights.

This is normal and to be expected.

Relationships, and specifically the closer they are, have the potential within themselves to trigger and bring up any unresolved issues.

On your journey with relationship you will encounter struggles, sooner or later, if you are not just leaving any relationship before it gets close enough.

You see Mum and Dad

“Whatever you do, where ever you go, you see Mum and Dad and they see you.” This quote describes the transference we deal with in life on a daily basis. The person you meet might remind you of your mother or father, consciously or unconsciously and you are challenged with similar topics to those of your relationship with your mother or father.

You receive the chance to finish up the business you still have open (=left unfinished) between you. These are the stops along your relationship life, which will allow you to grow personally, no matter who you are in a relationship with and learning the lesson.

What’s the connection between relationships and the purpose of life?

In an intimate relationship, specifically with the person, we feel closest to, we want to be happy, understood, seen, appreciated, nurtured, loved, admired, listened to… basically have our needs met. The goal might be this ultimate relationship. The purpose however is that the same. The purpose of your intimate relationship is to heal those wounds that have been left unattained. To become aware of them, we are triggering each other’s sore points (=wounds), mostly without mal-intent or conscious knowledge.

Wounds you will encounter

There are only a few basic wounds or topic that the issues you’re facing will fall under:

  • Rejection
  • Abandonment
  • Humiliation
  • Betrayal (of trust)
  • Injustice

Some of those five wounds will interact or be experienced in combination.

In fact, it does not even really matter who you are relating to. If you can embrace the purpose of learning and growing while relating, any relationship will make a lot more sense.

Relationship Wisdom – 6 Steps To Take When In Relationship Conflict

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Conflict in a relationship is often the pivotal point that leads to unhappiness and dissatisfaction of the relationship. Let’s have a look at conflict from a different point of view to turn it into an opportunity to grow and learn instead of an ‘I win – you loose’ scenario.

Relationship purpose

The ultimate purpose of every relationship, whether it is an intimate one or not, is to enable both of you to grow personally and interpersonally. Whenever we enter into a relationship there is this meeting place of two human beings finding out something new about themselves and each other. It really is the evolution of your own consciousness as well as the consciousness of interaction at large.

Avoiding conflict

Conflict is often seen as the opposite of intimacy. The reality of “me-against-you conflict” is that it reduces the feeling of safety, ability and willingness to be vulnerable. Avoiding conflict therefore is what seems like the most logical solution.

Conflict can also be seen as the opportunity to know more about yourself and the other person; to know about your likes and dislikes, what you are made of, your boundaries, your needs and wants and the same things in the other person.

Misunderstanding

When we start to see conflict in a different way, we can stay connected while having a different opinion to your partner.  Rather than imagining a fight, conflict or argument as a “me-against-you” scenario, we can visualize it being a fight against a common misunderstanding.

Every conflict is really engaging in a misunderstanding, which the two people in it don’t yet realize or understand. It is not about the money spent or the mother-in-law. It basically boils down to not having your needs and wants met around “being loved”:

  • Not loved (enough)
  • Not respected (enough)
  • Not seen (enough)
  • Not feeling important (enough)

Conflict as part of a real loving relationship is only a temporary misunderstanding, which, if analyzed, will allow you to understand yourself and your partner better.

Emotionality in conflict

Your anger (or other emotional expression) during the conflict is always a cover for hurt. Behind that hurt there is an important and sacred need or value that has been trespassed. If, instead of attacking or defending, you start investigating and inquiring into what is really behind, you will learn from conflict, rather than being tired out by it.

Start being curious

This might mean putting your own hurt aside and asking your partner: “I can see you’re really angry and hurt, there must be something really important here for you that I do not yet fully understand, what was that?” This curiosity, spoken with true empathy rather than sarcasm, will bring you back into an intimate and vulnerable space from which you can then learn to turn this conflict around.

You need to be in love, to alchemize conflict, because in conflict your darkest parts come out.

What do to when in conflict?

  1. Take a couple of deep breaths and ground yourself
  2. Take a time-out if needed, with an agreed time and place to return and finish the conversation
  3. Reach out and touch your partner, touch helps to feel safe and continuously loving even though we have different opinions
  4. Asking yourself: What is it that I need right now that I’m not getting. Give it yourself = re-parent yourself
  5. Take responsibility for your part in the conflict
  6. Show leadership in offering steps to resolve the conflict

Relationship Wisdom – Stonewalling Versus Criticising

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In an intimate relationship, there are common dynamics of interactions. One of them I deal with in a couple of clients is the stonewalling versus criticising dynamic. This dynamic is one that can become entrenched in a couple’s engagement with each other and lead to severe dissatisfaction with the relationship.

What relationship research shows

Relationship expert Dr John Gottman, who researched couples for the past 40 years, has coined the term of the ‘Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse in Relationships’, which lead to marital disaster. Two of the four steps are criticism and stonewalling. According to his research, 85% of men are stonewallers where the majority of women are critics. Stonewalling means that the person disengages from the conversation, pretending to still be part of it by being physically present, but giving minimal verbal feedback. Energetically the person has already left the interaction.

The stonewalling-critic dynamic

Often when there is a critic (usually but not exclusively women) and a skilled stonewaller the dynamic quickly starts to run and leads into an unhealthy cycle where one role feeds the other.

The critic starts sending out messages, which might not even be criticism at the beginning. The stonewaller starts to engage as he is usually very sensitive to being criticised and hears any comment as critical. To avoid any further comments or interactions, he intensifies the ‘dis-engagement. This infuriates the critic as all she wants is for him to at least engage and say something. At this moment, the critic might up the ante and actually say something critical, just to get a reaction. At this point, the stonewaller will shut down the interactions until the situation has cooled down again.

Influences of personalities

Depending on the personalities involved in this dynamic and how long it takes one or the other to cool down and whether and when they are ready to lead into repair mechanism this dynamic can either very quickly lead into a spiral downward to marital disaster or just be a repeated pattern of a relationship.

Especially when stress levels are up, it is more likely for this dynamic to endanger the relationship as none of the two might have much energy left to lend a hand and start to climb back up to martial harmony.

The way out of the dynamic

Depending on the level of self-awareness and reflection, a couple will easily be able to work together towards harmony. Often what it needs is the ability to allow vulnerability and openness to let each other in what is going on for each side of the dynamic. This especially requires the critic to let go or tone down criticism and for the stonewaller to be ready to engage and be open.

If you as a coupe encounter challenges when trying to repair, make sure to ask a trained and unbiased professional for help.