Nathalie Himmelrich

Inspiring Hope | Finding healthy ways of Grieving | Writer

relationship

It Is the Relationship Journey That Counts

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Today in a client’ session I heard myself say: A happy relationship with your partner might be your goal but it is not the purpose of (relationship) life. Let me explain.

The journey that counts

The famous quote “It’s not the destination but the journey that counts” leaves some questions unanswered:

  • What is on the journey?
  • What specifically counts as part of the journey
  • What does it really mean?

Quotes are nice but often leave a lot to personal interpretation. Let’s have a look at that quote in relation to your relationship life.

Relationship struggles

Whether intimate, casual or relationships with siblings, parents, friends, colleagues, or employers – relationship are seldom easy. Even the best of friends struggle with each other, have misunderstandings or fights.

This is normal and to be expected.

Relationships, and specifically the closer they are, have the potential within themselves to trigger and bring up any unresolved issues.

On your journey with relationship you will encounter struggles, sooner or later, if you are not just leaving any relationship before it gets close enough.

You see Mum and Dad

“Whatever you do, where ever you go, you see Mum and Dad and they see you.” This quote describes the transference we deal with in life on a daily basis. The person you meet might remind you of your mother or father, consciously or unconsciously and you are challenged with similar topics to those of your relationship with your mother or father.

You receive the chance to finish up the business you still have open (=left unfinished) between you. These are the stops along your relationship life, which will allow you to grow personally, no matter who you are in a relationship with and learning the lesson.

What’s the connection between relationships and the purpose of life?

In an intimate relationship, specifically with the person, we feel closest to, we want to be happy, understood, seen, appreciated, nurtured, loved, admired, listened to… basically have our needs met. The goal might be this ultimate relationship. The purpose however is that the same. The purpose of your intimate relationship is to heal those wounds that have been left unattained. To become aware of them, we are triggering each other’s sore points (=wounds), mostly without mal-intent or conscious knowledge.

Wounds you will encounter

There are only a few basic wounds or topic that the issues you’re facing will fall under:

  • Rejection
  • Abandonment
  • Humiliation
  • Betrayal (of trust)
  • Injustice

Some of those five wounds will interact or be experienced in combination.

In fact, it does not even really matter who you are relating to. If you can embrace the purpose of learning and growing while relating, any relationship will make a lot more sense.

Relationship Wisdom – Create A Relationship Vision

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Many couples head into a relationship with lots of enthusiasm. This is good, right? This is what makes most relationships so interesting and exciting at the beginning. There are a lot of assumptions created from the honeymoon period hormones, which are then turned into expectations for the remainder of the relationship. Let’s have a look at how we can start with a bit more openness, reality check and clarity.

You used to tell me every day how beautiful I am

If receiving affirmative comments to you is a high priority value you will have been sold by those statements and swept away into feeling loved. He fulfilled one important need and turned the key and unlocked your heart. This is a beautiful way to start a romance but what if those beautiful words were just present at the happy beginning?

Starting over

Creating a relationship vision, like any other vision for life or business, has the potential to move you forward in life as a couple and support you in a satisfying partnership. When this vision in based on your personal values, the things that give meaning to your life, it will also ignite and bring more meaning to you as a couple. You can do this any time, the sooner the better.

What is a Relationship Vision?

By creating a vision you make clear what you want. You are describing in words what you can see, feel, hear and smell, based on your values and purpose. This vision can be a one-year, three-year, five-year or ten-year vision.

How can we create our Relationship Vision?

It is an advantage if both partners equally desire to create more meaning and put the time aside to work on a relationship vision. It is also possible to create a relationship vision if you are still single and want to imagine the kind of partnership you want to invite into your life.

Step 1: Identify your personal values

Values are those things that truly matter most to you. It might be honesty, openness, creativity, freedom, etc. Start by making a list of the 20-50 most important values for you and rate them from 1 to 5, 1 being very important, 5 being less important. Notice all the values scored as 1 or 2 and make a list of the top five core values that you cherish the most.

Step 2: Identify your relationship values

Relationship values are those things that truly matter most to you in regards to your relationship and your partner. Do this alone before sharing with your partner. Do it in the same way as you came up with your personal values but remember that there are specific relationship values that you might like to add, for example, intimacy, creating a family together, physical proximity etc.

Step 3: Compare your personal and your relationship values

Notice whether both of your values work together. Be honest with yourself and whether you are compromising your personal values for your relationship values. If necessary, align them so there is no compromise.

Step 4: Write your relationship vision

Pick a time frame: 1-year, 3-year, 5-year or 10-year and write from that moment, describing what you see, feel, hear etc. Use present tense and state as if you are looking through your eyes. Make sure you include the values that are most important to you. Remember to make this vision achievable and believable for you but let it stretch your imagination.

Step 5: Read it aloud

First, read it aloud to yourself. Then, if you have a partner, read it to them. Ask them to listen attentively and encourage you with their whole being.

Living according to your personal and relationship values and being aware of your partner’s values will give you greater relationship satisfaction in itself. Once you have openly shared your vision with your partner there might be goals you want to set together or other conversations coming up regarding what you want to achieve together.

Remember that this might bring up insecurities as well as excitement. Being truthful to yourself and to your partner will make your relationship more real and propel you towards your personal vision and purpose.

Misunderstandings In Multicultural Or Multinational Relationships

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Being in a relationship where two people are from the same culture and country is already a challenge – imagine those couples that are from different cultures and countries! I am in one of those relationships.

Multicultural relationships versus multinational relationships

Multicultural relationships, as the name says, are when two people from different cultures meet, for example, an Islamic man who is in a relationship with an American woman.

Multinational relationships are when two people from different nations, but not necessarily from different cultures, meet, for example an English man who is in relationship with an Australian woman.

Some people might argue that even though the cultural background might be the same, English and Australians are still very different, which is true. For the sake of the argument let’s assume the two situations outlined above as a starting point for further exploration.

It is obviously possible to have one without the other, or both scenarios at the same time, like in my case: I’m born and raised Swiss and my husband is born and raised Australian with English ancestors. Given those differences it is also noteworthy that we communicate in English, which is my husband’s but not my mother tongue.

Challenges we face

Any combination, multicultural or multinational, will bring about its own challenges for one or both partners:

  • Not having family around
  • Living in a foreign country
  • Dealing with another culture on a daily basis
  • Having to change one’s values and beliefs to be able to live in a culture that is extremely different
  • Dealing with different value systems
  • Speaking different mother tongues

The list of challenges is far away from being complete and those of you who have experience with these kinds of unions might want to add some of your own.

Effects on communication

In regards to communication it is important to realize that given those challenges we need to spend more time clarifying, asking questions, evaluating, negotiating and practicing compassion and understanding every day. I have come to realize that my relationship has and is continuously teaching me to assume absolutely nothing. ‘That’s what I said’ is different to ‘That’s what I mean’ or ‘That’s what I understand’. Navigating through misunderstandings has become a daily learning experience. Still, after speaking English for over 25 years and having lived abroad for over 13 years I find myself saying ‘ah, I didn’t know this’ or ‘why didn’t you tell me before?’ And again, I’m reminded to assume nothing and ask instead.

My husband luckily has a lot of patience with my questioning and explains the intrinsic details of cultural habits that still elude me. I have also changed my pervious discomfort with questions to allowing myself ask anything, even twice or three times, which might push my husbands buttons once in a while. While growing up I somehow got the message that ‘I should just know’ and therefore didn’t feel encouraged to ask. Nowadays and specifically due to my profession I continuously question, even the seemingly obvious.

The most important tip I could give anyone is to question your assumptions, practice patience with each other and look at your partner with fresh eyes every day, learning and exploring continuously and jointly.

Good luck!

Relationship Wisdom – Skillfully Disagreeing With Your Partner

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Let’s face it: disagreements are a natural component of every relationship. If you are one of those people saying: ‘I just don’t want to argue’ you have to get real. You can work on your style of how you handle disagreement or arguments but rarely (never) will you live in an intimate relationship without any of it.

Differences are the norm

You might have entered into your relationship looking for someone who is similar to you. Even though you might have a lot of overlap of values, beliefs and life views there are also the differences, which, if you were able to filter them out in the beginning they will become more obvious once the relationship has progressed past it’s initial honeymoon stage. Don’t fool yourself – they have been there all along, you just skillfully, with the help of your hormones, managed to avoid them.

How to deal with them?

There are naturally people who are more easy-going and accepting of differences. Some because they want to do everything possible to please their partner, others because they are not so tightly attached to their own opinions and find it easier to accept another point of view.

The closer however a value is to your core, the more you will be willing to defend it. Think about what is most important to you in life and now imagine someone close to you asking you to change this or saying that this is not right. This will stir up some kind of self-defense in most people.

So wherever you are on the scale, there will come a point where you might want to or have to disagree with your partner. Here are a couple of important points to remember:

1. It is ok to disagree

Disagreement does not mean that you don’t love the other person, it simply means that you have a different point of view.

2. Acceptance is required

If you are truly dedicated to your partner, you will need to practice accepting their differences, no matter how big or small they are. Depending on the topic, this might be most challenging and in some cases it might not be possible if the situation at hand is below your bottom line. That’s when you have to seriously rethink your relationship.

3. Communicate acceptance

One of the most skillful and helpful components of disagreeing with your partner is if you communicate what you understand and accept. This will make your partner feel heard and most probably less defensive.

4. Continue discussion

Disagreement, when not too heated with emotions, needs to be discussed. If you notice that you get too agitated, ask for a time out and discuss it at a later point in time. Masters of relationship show that they are able to continue talking about points of differences without needing to agree.

5. Find compromises

For some disagreements you can simply allow them to be, others might need compromises. Remember that a compromise is not always in the middle. For example if one partner wants a child and the other doesn’t you cannot find a middle path.

6. Better to be right or happy?

In some cases you need to think hard about the importance of your position. Is it worth defending yourself?

In the end, ask yourself whether the issue is worth more than your relationship harmony or whether you are able to let the problem go. Sometimes arguments do not have an origin in the relationship but in our history, our childhood or our own state of mind.

Relationship Wisdom – You Need To Change

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Wanting to change our partner is a very natural part of any relationship. Having said that, it still does not make it right or achievable. Let’s have a look at this conundrum.

Your values and conditioning

Who you are and what you believe has been shaped by your upbringing, your experiences, your past relationships, your social and economic surroundings, past and present. This is how you come to believe what is ‘right’ and what is ‘wrong’. Based on those values you evaluate the world around you, including the people, places and things.

But isn’t it normal?

Clients that I am working with in relationship development often ask me this question. ‘Isn’t it normal that…?’ and you can add any of your firm beliefs, for example ‘you ask questions when talking to someone rather than just talking about yourself’. I am sorry to rain on your parade but there is truly nothing ‘normal’, meaning ‘fitting the norm’. Any norm that you hold true for yourself is just a rule that you have either adopted or created to fit with you and your life. Every other person has got their own, some of which might be the same as yours, some of which actually might be quite the opposite or some do not have a rule around a certain topic.

You need to change

If you think that anyone, including your partner, needs to change, you assume that your rules are right and should be followed by them. A rule for example can be ‘putting the paper into the recycling bin rather than in the general rubbish’. This is a very simple rule and there are many of those that you might not even be aware or conscious of.

Imagine your partner would have the same expectation from you and wanted you to adopt his or her rules. How does that sound to you? I bet you would not want that, if you strongly believe in what you deem important.

Learning to accept differences

It is natural that in any relationship there will sooner or later be differences that are challenging. With some of those differences you will need to live and learn to accept them. Accepting does not necessarily mean that you agree with them, but you have to at least allow the other person to have their own viewpoint.

Compromise

Some of the differences need compromises and will be topics of discussion. Remember that compromise does not mean that your partner always comes over and meets you on your terrain; it also means that you shift your perspective at times.

Relationship Wisdom – Compatibility

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How much should you and your partner have in common? How much are you trying to change your partner? How often do you say: Well, you cannot get everything from one partner? These statements and questions are frequent when I work with clients dealing with relationship challenges. Let’s shed some light on compatibility. 

Attraction

There are various different sayings or statements that go with attraction. For example: ‘Opposites attract’ or ‘like attracts like’. It seems to be suggesting that everything attracts each other. Do you think both are true or which is truer for you personally?

Whichever it is, in every relationship there is some form of attraction that is based around one or more areas of the relationship. For some it is physical attraction, for others common interests, hobbies, work or similar philosophies in life. It can be and hopefully is a mix of different areas that overlap and that you find attractive about your partner.

Disillusionment

After the honeymoon period wears off and you will see your partner with more clarity and realism. Some of the things you so adored in the first place might become less attractive or the reality of the whole person brings a bit of disillusionment. This is normal under the circumstances and you now have to ask yourself whether you feel that you and your partner are enough of a match to make a relationship work overtime.

Being ‘enough of a match’

The compatibility will be more or less between any two people and depends on the number of values that you share with your partner. Ask yourself: What is important to me in my life? Which of those values are also important to my partner? These will be the ones you share. If, for example, communication and emotional connection are two of your values and they are very important (= higher on your values list) to you it will be good and make the relationship longer lasting if you share them with your partner.

Not all people need the same amount of overlap. Some individuals are quite happy to live a big part of their lives on an individual basis and they connect with their partner on certain days only. They might even prefer to live in separate apartments and have their own physical space, friends and recreation activities. Others might need a bigger amount of overlap, they strive to have common interests and do many activities with their partner. The question is whether you and your partner have similar needs in terms of the amount of overlap you both need from the relationship.

Relationship satisfaction

Relationship satisfaction will depend on two things: a) how much overlap you need in comparison to how much you get in your relationship and b) how much of your higher values are covered.

Let’s show this in a practical example: If you are a person that would love to spend every moment with your partner and find it especially important that you can communicate about everything openly and honestly in a deep and meaningful way, imagine yourself in a relationship with a partner that prefers more time with his friends and is less of a talker. You might otherwise be very well matched, physically attracted to each other, devoted to each other and the relationship, have similar hobbies etc. but over time your primary need or high value will be left unsatisfied and potentially make you feel like there is something missing.

What shall I do now?

When you realize that you might not get what you need in your relationship there are only two options: either you accept things the way they are and potentially let go of some of your needs or you get real and face the fact that you are not as satisfied as you deserver to be. Which one will it be for you?