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Nathalie Himmelrich

Inspiring Hope | Finding healthy ways of Grieving | Writer

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Relationship Wisdom – Being a Literal or Inferential Person

July 12, 2013 By Nathalie Himmelrich 10 Comments

family
Photo by Jimmy Dean on Unsplash

Sometimes it is just that knowing something additional, even if it is a seemingly little thing, can alter a relationship pattern that makes a big difference. The following article will hopefully provide you with one of those meaningful pieces of wisdom in terms of how different people perceive the world.

Literal and inferential

This is a differentiation that is not as well-known as the more common ones, for example introvert and extrovert or thinking and feeling types of people. A literal person will interpret a statement literally. This means that if they have a visitor saying ‘I’m thirsty’ this, to the literal person, is simply a statement about thirst. The inferential person will infer meaning into the statement and make an assumption about the meaning behind what is said. In the example above, they most probably will offer their visitor something to drink.

If you are an inferential person, you might think ‘but this is common sense’ and some things are. Even the literal person may have become habituated to understand and infer ‘common sense’ through education or training. It is however not their natural way of thinking.

My sister comes for dinner but does not help even though I’m on crutches!

This difference might even be differentiating you and your siblings and creating unnecessary stress. If you have ever been ill you will have noticed which of your family members or friends are inferring and which ones are literal. The inferring group will go around your house, help out and do whatever seems necessary. The literal person will come visit, probably because you asked them to, sit on your bed and talk to you. They might wait for you to offer them a cup of tea but if you cannot get out of bed you need to be literal with them and ask them to make their own cup of tea.

Recently, a client of mine mentioned her sister didn’t help out while she was visiting having dinner even though my client was obviously challenged being on crutches. Having read the above what is your guess on the two sisters? Indeed, the visiting sister most likely belongs to the literal group of people, whereas the sister who was ill, to whom it was common sense to help out, belongs to the inferential group.

How to use this knowledge

This difference is usually more of a problem to the inferring person because they expect the other to do or say something they repeatedly don’t do or say. Seldom, the literal person will start to wonder why the other person comes to certain conclusions that are not reality.

Suggestion for the inferential person:

As an inferential person you have to remember that your assumptions are just that: assumptions. They do not necessarily need to reflect reality, as much as they might seem like that to you.

As mentioned above, remember to ask the literal person specifically what you want them to do: Please wash the dishes. Could you please also dry them and put them away. If your partner comes out of the kitchen without having cleaned the bench, then aim to add this specific detail. Don’t assume he or she didn’t do it to get back at you, even though that’s what you might do.

Suggestions for the literal person:

If you are unsure what your partner might mean with a request, aim to clarify. This way you avoid misunderstanding and upset. Have a clear understanding of what your partner’s likes and dislikes are and make sure you remember that cleaning the dishes also means wiping the bench afterwards.

For both:

Repeat to yourself ‘my partner is a literal person, which means he/she does things I specifically and clearly ask’ or ‘my partner is an inferential person, he/she will, for example, infer that me not coming home at the usual time means something is wrong.’

If you are both trying to see the world from time to time through the other person’s perspective you not only widen yours, you also add satisfaction and understanding to your relationships.

Filed Under: coaching, communication, counselling, family of origin, love/relationship/marriage Tagged With: communication, couple, inferential, literal

10 More Key Principles About Relationships

May 6, 2010 By Nathalie Himmelrich Leave a Comment

couple hugging
Photo by Pakistani Stylish Boys on Unsplash

For more key principles about a relationship please look at my previous article called: ‘10 Key Principles About Relationships‘.

# 1: Finding your voice: It’s important to remember that the self is continually reinvented through our interactions with others. Every relationship is a laboratory in which we can practice using our voice in new ways and observe the results of our experiments.

# 2: Communication Skills: Words transmit only 7% of the communication. 38% is delivered with our tone of voice and 56% by our body language. Remember that rolling your eyes at a statement of your partner conveys more harm to the communication than saying: ‘I don’t agree with what you are saying.’

# 3: Understanding: Remember that the goal of your conversation with your partner isn’t necessary to seek agreement, but to communicate understanding.

# 4: Self-esteem: YOUR self-esteem is unconditional, it is your birthright as a human being, it does not need to be earned – it is a given. Your partner is not able to take it from you, nor are they responsible to give you YOUR self-esteem, that is for you to realise and experience.

# 5: Accept Change: Relationships will inevitably change over time. Face up to the reality of who you truly are and who your partner is, accept and welcome change and grow with it.

# 6: Look after yourself: When two people in a relationship each look after themselves, then both are being looked after. That does not mean that you become egoistically focused on yourself but that you take responsibility for your own well-being and happiness and do not expect your partner to be responsible to make you happy.

# 7: Give in, let go, move on: Although it may not be easy, try letting go of the idea that you need to win arguments with your partner in order to prove an upper moral hand. Consider whether it might be better to simply forfeit fights from time to time.

# 8: Laugh about yourself: Remember to not take yourself too seriously in the relationship. Laughing about yourself and your patterns of reactions sometimes makes it easier to relate. And it allows your partner to join you.

# 9: Open your heart: Have you realised that when your partner talks about their feelings (even if it is that they are upset at you) it does not really help to apply logic or reason? It is better to just listen with an open heart and communicate empathy. Easier said than done? Just practice.

# 10: Love, respect and affection: The key to successful relating is not found in complex theories or convoluted formulas for behaviour. It is based on the deepest feeling of love, respect and affection for your partner, and is demonstrated simply through empathy and understanding. Good relating begins in your heart and then continues on a moment-to-moment basis by engaging your partner when feelings run high when they are sad, angry or hurt. The heart of relating is being there in a particular way when it really counts.

Filed Under: communication, listicle, love/relationship/marriage Tagged With: couple, couples communication, couples satisfaction, happy, healing relationship, long term relationship, relationship challenges, relationship vision, relationship wisdom

How to Stay Happy in a Long Term Relationship

April 9, 2010 By Nathalie Himmelrich 2 Comments

couple with guitarre
Photo by Toa Heftiba on Unsplash

Relationships are the fastest way to personally evolve if you are prepared to stay a continuous student. Any relationship will, sooner or later, bring up and highlight areas in which you can learn more about yourself, your partner and your ability to truly relate to what is.

What is a long term relationship?

In order to find out how we can stay happy in a long term relationship we need to first clarify the meaning of ‘long term relationship’. Personally, I would consider a relationship to be long term somewhere around the time when it passed the two to three years mark. The reason for that time frame is that the initial honeymoon period, in which we start out as a couple, lasts anywhere from 6 to 18 months, at the most – and if you are lucky – 3 years. For more information on the different stages in relationships refer to my most popular article called ‘Stages of a Relationship’.

Staying happy

‘Staying happy’ means that you mostly feel comfortable in your relationship without having to deal with any major crisis on a regular basis. Staying happy should also include a healthy attitude and acceptance towards arguments with your partner. If, on the other hand, you expect that you will never be upset at your partner or that there will never be a negative feeling between you, then you are either denying human reality and/or should probably stay single.

Relationships change over time

Relationships will inevitably change with time. Initially, most couples experience a high level of passion, arousal and loving feelings towards their partner. After the honeymoon period, and when differentiation sets in, we perceive our partner with a more realistic eye, which also means that we come to realise that our previous ‘perfect partner’ might not be that perfect after all. That is the time when you are required to face up to reality and you can choose to continue with your relationship with more true openness to what is, accepting its change and grow with it.

Love and connection beyond the effect of hormones

Staying happy in a long term relationship means that you are willing to accept and work with those changes. It means that you find a love and connection deeper than the one powered by hormones. Dealing with differences and accepting disagreeing with your partner are part of any long term relationship.

Communication and openness

A long term relationship will eventually bring out your true self and that of your partner. This can be an uncomfortable evolution as you are being faced with your own, as well as your partner’s, less pleasant parts. That is when open communication, about self, others and the relationship, and acceptance of self and others become major milestones and achievements in your self-development!

Filed Under: communication, inspiration/humour, love/relationship/marriage Tagged With: couple, couples communication, couples satisfaction, happy, healing relationship, long term relationship, relationship challenges, relationship vision, relationship wisdom

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    Nathalie Himmelrich

    I accompany people therapeutically as a holistic counsellor and coach.

    I walk alongside people dealing with the challenges presented by life and death.

    I’m also a writer and published author of multiple grief resource books and the founder of the Grieving Parents Support Network.

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