self

Personal Development – Inviting Self-Listening

August 3, 2011 By Nathalie Himmelrich Leave a Comment

man thinking — Photo by Nathan Dumlao on Unsplash

Have you been listening to your self lately? What are you saying to yourself or out loud and are you paying attention? With everything we say, we share something about our selves. Self-listening is a key to self-knowing and self-development.

Inner talk

Your thoughts run faster than your ability to speak. If you were trying to speak everything you think you would find you struggle, as you just cannot keep up. Thoughts run automatically – day in, day out, without ever stopping. Once you start paying attention to your inner talk you might find some disturbing or unwanted thoughts running through your mind. Usually, the more you wish them to stop, the more persistent they become.

Outer talk

In everything you say out loud you reveal something about your self. The same way as you communicate with the way you dress and behave. Often however we either don’t really pay enough attention to what comes out of our mouth or we wonder ‘why did I say that’.

Coaching and counselling is also about inviting self-listening. You can learn a lot just by listening to yourself, by truly paying attention to your words. Often I find clients being surprised at their own statements, saying ‘did I really say this?’

Communication

If you practice real communication with yourself, asking yourself questions you might have never have asked yourself before and investigating in your beliefs and values you will become enlightened to the way your life is shaping day by day.

Here are some questions you might want to ask yourself about a topic that you are interested to self-inquire:

What is important to me about… (insert your self-inquiry topic here)?
What does it (the topic) mean to me?
What do I think and/or believe about…?
What am I telling myself about…?
How do I relate to…?
What feelings come up when thinking about…?
If not the way it currently appears, how would I like to be with this in future?
In what way would this change be important?
What would I like to change?
Do I know how to change it or, if not, who could I ask to help me change it?
How would I feel/think and believe that is different from how it was with this change?
Who would I have to become?
What would be the consequences for my environment and the people around me?
Is this change sustainable and ecological?
What do I have to give up? Am I prepared to give this up?
Am I ready to make the change now?

Changing self

Changing your self happens one conversation at the time. If you need support with this change, ask someone who is able to help you with their expertise and understanding of self development.

Remember that you already have the resources inside of you. All you need is to tap into them or have someone ask you the right questions. Other people’s solutions and advice might work for them, however it is questionable whether they apply to you.

Self Knowledge – Ideal Self And Real Self

April 17, 2011 By Nathalie Himmelrich Leave a Comment

children running in a field — Photo by Jordan Whitt on Unsplash

Are you often disappointed with yourself? Are you noticing thoughts like ‘I shouldn’t be doing or thinking this’? Are you being hard on yourself for not reaching your goals? The reason might be that there are big gaps between your ideal self-image and your real self.

Getting to know your Ideal Self

Consciously or unconsciously we all walk around with an idealized image of ourselves. Setting goals might be the more obvious and conscious ones. Being unhappy about our body shape, size or weight might go more unconsciously.

To get familiarized with the Ideal Self that you have created, start by listening and paying attention to your thoughts and words. It might come concealed in statements like ‘I’m not as quick writing this report as I should be’ or ‘Wow, this guy is really self-assured’. Often expectations we set ourselves might be tied up with things we aspire to or admire in others, or, on the contrary, things we envy or ‘apparently’ disregard in others.

Hidden part of the Ideal Self

Thoughts or words like ‘Oh look at her, she’s such a slut’ might hide parts of you that would wish to be seen as more sexy or attractive. If you’re a guy you might think ‘All he cares for is his money, car and boat’ which might allude to the fact that you secretly wish to be more successful but haven’t yet allowed yourself to have that desire.

What’s my Ideal Self?

To find out what you measure yourself against it is useful to inquire in your image of Ideal Self.

Ask yourself:

What do I openly or secretly wish for?
What do I want myself to be, to have, to look like?
What do I secretly want that I wouldn’t want anyone else to know?
Where am I upset with myself for not being as good as, as… as someone else?
The more honest and un-censoring you can be, the more clarity you will gain from these questions.

Measuring up

Your Ideal Self is what you measure yourself up against. Depending on the picture that you’ve drawn with the question the last section you might realize what you have set up for yourself. Imagine your boss would constantly ask the impossible from you – how would you feel? With certain people’s Ideal Self image it is just that: an unattainable high standard, which fuels self-loathing and frustration.

Self-acceptance

Compare your Real Self with your Ideal Self and ask: Is this healthy? Is this good for me? If not, what would I need to change? The answer to this question can be to adjust expectations and make them more realistic and/or to practice more self-acceptance of the Real Self and become ‘real’. What’s your answer?

Negative Self-Talk – Suggestions On Reframing Your Negative Thoughts

January 15, 2011 By Nathalie Himmelrich 1 Comment

woman sitting on rocks — Photo by Rebe Pascual on Unsplash

Let’s face it – we all do it from time to time: calling ourselves names like ‘I’m an idiot’ or ‘silly me’. Changing your negative self-talk is not just a simple cure but a continuous change of habits. Here are some suggestions on what else you could say to yourself.

Where is your self-respect?

We all make silly mistakes, that’s not the issue. The problems start when we examine our own reaction to ourselves. Many people are really harsh with themselves, cursing themselves in a way they would never talk to anyone else they respect.

Changing the way you talk to yourself

When thinking about changing your thoughts, one technique has helped many of my clients to get out of their righteous minds: Think about a child that you have an emotional attachment to, maybe it is your 5 year old niece or your 3 year old grandson. Think about what you would say to him or her, if something comparable just happened.

Here are some example or reframes:

Inner self-talk: You are an idiot!

Reframe: Don’t worry, it’s ok. Let’s be careful next time.
Ok darling, you are a bright girl (or boy), you just need to slow down and keep practicing.

Inner self-talk: You are so clumsy!

Reframe: It’s all right. It’s not a problem. It can be replaced, repaired or fixed. It is not an arm or a leg.

Inner self-talk: You stupid person!

Reframe: Sweetheart, just be careful. It is ok. We can fix it. We will make it better next time.

Inner self-talk: How can you be so dumb?

Reframe: Just focus on what you are doing and concentrate. Take it easy. Be kind to yourself and have patience. We will learn this one step at the time.

Inner self-talk: You are a looser!

Reframe: You didn’t make it this time but next time we will try again. Just like Thomas Edison said when he came up with the light bulb: One more experiment that didn’t work out, next time it will.

Inner self-talk: You are such a silly girl!

Reframe: Come on now, it is ok. Every human has moments of not being present. That is how we totally miss things. This is ok because it just makes us more aware for next time.

Inner self-talk: I hate you!

Reframe: Now let’s be nice to ourselves. I’ve seen you do lots of things that are very good and right now you are just a bit angry. This will pass too. Take a few deep breaths.

Remember: In reframing, we are not changing the situation or neglecting responsibility for a mistake but we change the way we look at ourselves and therefore have access to more supportive ways to deal with the situation. Give it a go!

Multiple Personality ‘Disorder’: Introducing the Selves

May 26, 2010 By Nathalie Himmelrich Leave a Comment

We all have different selves or parts active in us at different times. These selves are the central building blocks of the psyche. Like different identities we take on their energy, or they run our show, seemingly without our input. The purpose of understanding the selves is to become aware of them so that we are at choice as to which one is being activated.

How so the Selves develop?

Each newborn comes into this world with a unique quality of ‘being’, which all mothers and fathers can confirm. They come in totally vulnerable and depending on adults to take care of them. Sooner or later the infant learns to establish some control to avoid painful or unpleasant situations. This is where they develop different selves to deal with whatever life throws at them.

The first self that develops from the state of vulnerability (The Vulnerable Self) is the self that watches over us: The Protector. It makes sure we act appropriately, according to what has been learned from parents and later teachers, and also ensures our safety.

From there onwards there are various selves that might come to form part of our psychic fingerprint: the Critic, the Pusher, the Perfectionist, the Controller, the Pleaser, the Judge, the Responsible Self, the Victim etc. Which ones we choose largely depends on what we have to deal with in life.

Awareness is the Key

The purpose of knowing about the different selves is awareness. Once we get to know and familiarize ourselves with our predominant primary selves, we can then more actively choose how we want to act, as opposed to reacting automatically and unconsciously.

None of the selves are inherently bad or negative. They all have developed to deal with life’s experiences and to take care of the individual. Most of the time it is either the interaction or dynamic between these selves, and the selves reacting to other people that creates stress and anxiety in our lives.

Getting in touch with the Selves

Start by reading up on the different selves – there are various articles you can find in my collection of articles: Introducing the Self. Pay attention to your everyday reaction and thinking patterns and you will notice reoccurring themes. Start by mapping out a ‘Psychic Map’ by drawing circles for the selves you’ve already become aware of in yourself. Sometimes it is good to ask your intimate partner or good friends whether they are aware of selves that are active in you, that you might have disowned or are just unconscious of.

What next?

This series of articles started out through my work with clients in therapy, where I found that working with the different voices and selves highly beneficial. I can recommend that you search out someone trained in working with the different selves, if you are committed to self-development and want to have choice over who is running your life!

I would also like to thank Hal and Sidra Stone, whose work on ‘Voice Dialogue’ has influenced my work in very meaningful ways.

Other articles in this series that might be of interest to you:

Introducing the Self – The Vulnerable Self
Introducing the Self – The Protector
Introducing the Self – The Controller
Introducing the Self – The Critic
Introducing the Self – The Competitor
Introducing the Self – The Pusher
Introducing the Self – The Perfectionist
Introducing the Self – The Pleaser
Introducing the Self – The Judge
Introducing the Self – The Victim
Introducing the Self – The Responsible Self

See my Ezine Articles Profile for all the articles of the selves mentioned in this list.