Nathalie Himmelrich

Inspiring Hope | Finding healthy ways of Grieving | Writer

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1 YEAR ANNIVERSARY EPISODE! Nathalie Himmelrich on Developmental Trauma, Sexual Abuse, and Family History of Grief and Loss | Episode 44

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HOW TO DEAL WITH GRIEF AND TRAUMA is completely self, funded, produced, and edited by me, Nathalie Himmelrich.
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Topics discussed in this episode

  • Nathalie’s personal story of loss and trauma
  • Non-death losses and the loss of grandparents and what she has learned from her family about grief and loss
  • Developmental trauma
  • Sexual abuse

Thank you for listening!

HOW TO DEAL WITH GRIEF AND TRAUMA is produced and edited by me, Nathalie Himmelrich. Support the show

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Self Knowledge – Differentiating Intuition From Conditioning

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intuition
Photo by Jen Theodore on Unsplash

Part of anyone’s personal development will be getting to know yourself and learning to tap into your intuition. At the beginning of that endeavor this can be a not so easy challenge to sort out “what really is intuition and what is all the other ‘crap'”?

Conditioning

To shed a bit more light on what’s driving you we need to understand conditioning. The way you are today, the way you think and behave is the result of your conditioning, your upbringing and your education. The sentences you heard from your parents, all well-meant and intended, will have left a mark on your unconscious mind. Some of those statements have become guiding principles, like the policies of a company that are stored somewhere in the archive cupboard.

Years later, in the present time, you are still running your ship with guiding principles and policies that might have been useful at an earlier time, but are outdated now. The crux of the situation is that they don’t update themselves, they quietly influence your everyday thinking, emoting and behaving. It’s time to clear out that archive cupboard and throw out those not really useful beliefs!

How to find limiting beliefs or guiding principles?

Start by listening to your mind. For example, you might be standing in the kitchen, preparing breakfast, intuitively reaching for the passion fruit yoghurt when a voice says: ‘You should first use up the blueberry yoghurt or it goes off.’ Alarm bells! ‘Should’ is always a good indication that you’ve just uncovered some old belief or guiding principle that was created by someone else. In the example it might be something like ‘You shouldn’t waste food’ or ‘You must always eat up what’s on your plate’ (later ‘in your fridge’). Does this make sense?

Even though those principles may not be ‘wrong’ as such, it is questionable if you are in the process of honing your intuition. For whatever reason, you were reaching for the passion fruit yoghurt. Often there is no clear logical explanation for intuition so don’t bother searching for one. It just is.

Choice point

When you are at the point where you notice what I’ve just explained in the example above, you are now at the point of being able to make your choice. This is the process of getting to know yourself and finding your voice of intuition.

If you find yourself overthinking a topic, there is a good chance that intuition has already been surpassed a while ago. Intuition usually is like a subtle voice, sense, or feeling that comes immediately when you do something. Also if you find yourself tossing and turning between two options that sound equally good and you find it hard to make a decision, just step back for a moment and when you come back to it, go with your gut instinct – that’s practising following your intuition.

Relationship Wisdom – Staying Together Because Of The Kids

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If you have children and are contemplating separation or divorce you will think twice about the likely consequences for them. Let’s have a look at some of the questions you need to ask yourself.

Depending on whom you ask, you will get their personal opinion of what they think is right or wrong. Let’s get this straight: there is no right or wrong in this situation. This is a very personal situation and if there was a clear-cut answer I am sure you would know it. Still, it wouldn’t make your case any easier.

Ask yourself:

  • What do I think about separation/divorce?
  • What are my past memories relating to this topic?
  • Is my concern about what others might think of me?
  • What would I think of myself if I were to follow through and separate from my partner, leave the kids ‘behind’?

Children growing up with mum and dad versus single-parent families

Nowadays there are many different kinds of families out there: nuclear families, blended patchwork families, remarried, divorced, and single-parent families. Children will not necessarily grow up to become better equipped just because they have their biological mum and dad around. What is much more important is the quality of family life, the amount of presence of a parent, and the quality of this time spent together that impacts the child.

Ask yourself:

  • What family structure do I regard as ‘the perfect one’?
  • What quality of family life am I / are we able to give the children?
  • How much quality time am I spending with my child?
  • If I were to ask my child, what would they miss or want me to do more often?

Role-modeling

As parents, you are your child’s role model. They unconsciously take an imprint of what they see, hear and feel as they grow up and create their beliefs and value system according to this.

Ask yourself:

  • What do I strive for in regards to family and where does this model come from?
  • What does my child learn from me or us as parents? What do they see, hear and feel?
  • What beliefs and values about relationships and the role of women and men will they form and is that what I want?

Conclusion

Whether you stay together with your partner or not should not only be dependent on having children. Imagine the kind of relationship they get to witness if you do stay and the kind of relationships they might get to witness if you and your partner would be true to yourselves and find a more suitable relationship?

In the end, children are resilient and will learn to deal with new situations. Multiple families can allow a child to become more flexible as long as they feel supported and cared for. This is needed whether you separate or not.

Parenting Tips – Parenting With Consequences

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Parenting can be an exhausting task, especially if children and teenagers don’t easily follow the lead. Where in the past, parents used physical punishment as a way to get their kids in line, we nowadays use different ways to discipline them.

Difference between consequences and punishment

Consequences will encourage the desired behaviour where punishment accentuates what the child has done wrong. The emphasis is really different and it is important to communicate to the child what it is you do want as opposed to what you don’t want them to do. One other significant aspect is that consequences aim to keep lines of communication open wherein punishment we often observe parents ignoring their children as part of the punishment.

Different consequences

There are a few different types of consequences:

Natural consequences will be situations where your child or teenager learns without you having to intervene. For example, if your child refuses to wear a jacket to school and it starts raining during the day, they might feel cold and wet or the teen who refuses to eat what you cook might feel hungry later. It’s important though to factor in the potential for harm or injury when allowing natural consequences to take their course.

Logical consequences are the ones that stand in relation to the behaviour displayed. For example, if a teenager throws a tantrum and damages something in the house, the logical consequence would be for them to have to pay for it to be fixed or fix it themselves. The more relevant the consequence is to the behaviour the fairer they are.

Loss of privilege is commonly used as a negative consequence of aggressive behaviour or words. Often the consequence relates to something enjoyed by the child but which isn’t a basic need, for example watching television or using the computer.

Time-out is an excellent consequence when parents and children are feeling angry and require some time to calm down. Remember as a parent that when your heart rate is ten beats above the resting heart rate you are no longer able to use your creative thinking ability and therefore say and do things, which you might later regret.

How to implement

Depending on the age of the child you should make the consequences clear the first time the unwanted behaviour happens. From then on it’s of utmost importance to be consequent in implementing it (that’s why they are called consequences!).

Consequences don’t have to be harsh or long to have an effect but they need to be the same every time so make sure you agree with your partner or other caretakers of the child.

Be mindful to implement the consequences in a calm manner and be clear that it is behaviour that is unwanted and that you don’t insult the child’s personality.

Bad behaviour, not a bad child!

Separation And Divorce – Pros And Cons

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Photo by Jen Theodore on Unsplash

Making a decision to separate or divorce has a major impact on your life, whether the decision is mutual or not. The ritual of marriage is a significant milestone in life and to undo or reverse this is similarly significant.

In a time of relationship crisis, separation and divorce might seem the only solution. Having said that, it is important to keep the whole picture, including all the different people affected, in mind.

Advantages

There are always pros and cons with every decision. Here are some of the advantages of separating:

Being or becoming happier: Living in a relationship that has passed its due date can significantly influence your state. It may be for the best to live apart and as a consequence, you might feel happier and livelier again.

Finding a more suitable partner: When you met your current spouse they might have been the right person to develop a relationship with and eventually marry, however, this might no longer be the case. We all change and time move on – and so do people. Divorce can allow you to spend the rest of your life, or your next life cycle, with someone more suited to who you are now.

Shared child-care: If you have agreed to shared custody you will have ‘children-free time’ which allows you to take weekends away or nights out with adult friends.

Time alone: You will have significantly more time alone, which can be both an advantage and a disadvantage.

Living more authentically: If you have outgrown your relationship you might be more true to your current authentic self by deciding to go your own way and split.

Disadvantages:

Thinking about divorce, usually, get you to easily think about the advantages of separation. It is important to also include the disadvantages to make an informed decision.

Reduced/increased time with children: You will no longer have your children with you the whole time or you might have your children at all times, with little or no support from your partner. If you have shared custody, you will see them regularly but it will never be as before when you woke up with them in the house every day.

Having to make new friends: As a couple, you will have shared friends, other couples, and other families with children. Often after a divorce, some or even many of those friends will be more friends of either you or your former partner. One of the challenges will specifically be to make new single friends for the times you want to go out without your children.

Being alone: Many of my clients find it challenging to spend so much time alone, which they are no longer used to. Some time alone might be desirable but not having the choice over how much is a different story.

Financial strains: A divorce itself will have significant financial impacts, as well as living alone or having to pay for child-care and/or support.

What is your personal story?

There will be more advantages and disadvantages as part of your individual situation. Sit down and make a list of what they are for you – this will help you through this period.

Whatever the reasons are, think about the advantages and disadvantages carefully and don’t rush a decision. It may be advisable to try mediation or couples counselling as part of your separation or to come to a joint decision and support each other in dealing with this life transition.

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    Nathalie Himmelrich

    I accompany people therapeutically as a holistic counsellor and coach.

    I walk alongside people dealing with the challenges presented by life and death.

    I’m also a writer and published author of multiple grief resource books and the founder of the Grieving Parents Support Network.

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