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Nathalie Himmelrich

Inspiring Hope | Finding healthy ways of Grieving | Writer

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pregnancy loss

Nathalie with Sharna Southan on the Changes Needed in Pregnancy Loss Support | Episode 21

November 28, 2022 By Nathalie Himmelrich Leave a Comment

Sharna Southan
Sharna Southan

Today on the podcast I’m speaking with Sharna who I’ve come to appreciate as a force for change in regard to the support offered to women in dealing with their pregnancy loss, a passion we have in common.

Talking about her missed miscarriage Sharna shares:

…never experienced contractions before so I didn’t know that’s what I was experiencing until I got to the hospital until they told me then what was going on. They also told me that one in four pregnancies ends in loss and I was like: “Well, then why do I feel like I’m the only one? Why is there not enough information? Why does no one talk about this?” I felt like I was living under a rock, like where have I been my whole life to not know about this?

Sharna Southan

About this week’s guest

Sharna Southan is an ICF-certified coach, a mum to her rainbow baby, a business owner and a wife. She followed her heart and soul into business after her own pregnancy loss in 2017. Sharna firmly believes that our adversity gives us an opportunity to grow.

She founded The Institute of Healing through Pregnancy Loss supporting loss parents with her transformative Pregnancy Loss recovery method and teaching her signature Pregnancy Loss Practitioner™️ Certification Program.

Check out Sharna’s Instagram here.

Topics discussed in this episode

  • Dealing with the loss of her father at the age of nineteen, led to depression, anxiety, panic attacks
  • Missed miscarriage and the trauma of miscarrying
  • Feeling isolated in not knowing that 1 in 4 pregnancies ends in loss
  • Lack of information and support on what miscarriage means emotionally, and physically and what it may require in care
  • Finding help through professional support

Resources mentioned in this episode

  • Grieving Parents Support Network
  • May We All Heal peer support group

Links

–> For more information, please visit Nathalie’s website.

–> Subscribe to the newsletter to receive updates on future episodes here.

–> Join the podcast’s Instagram page.

Thanks for listening to HOW TO DEAL WITH GRIEF AND TRAUMA. If you’d like to be updated on future episodes, please subscribe to my newsletter on Nathalie Himmelrich.com

If you need grief support, please contact me for a FREE 30 min discovery session.

HOW TO DEAL WITH GRIEF AND TRAUMA is produced and edited by me, Nathalie Himmelrich.

Support this Podcast

To support this podcast, please rate, review, subscribe to, or follow the podcast on Apple, Spotify, or wherever you get your podcasts. Thank you.

Remember to keep breathing, I promise, it will get easier.

Filed Under: podcast, child loss, grief support, grief/loss, grieving parents, trauma Tagged With: miscarriage support, missed miscarriage, pregnancy loss, support after pregnancy loss

October – Pregnancy And Infant Loss Awareness Month

August 30, 2021 By Nathalie Himmelrich Leave a Comment

PAIL support infographic
Image by Nathalie Himmelrich

October is International SIDS, Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month (and also Breast Cancer Awareness Month). This article will shine a light on the history and meaning for our community, and provide a resource of events and projects you can take part, if you wish, to make this month meaningful for you. It will also offer a list of ways you can support yourself.

History

According to Wikipedia, the Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Movement began in the United States in 1987. On October 25, 1988, American President Ronald Reagan designated the entire month of October 1988 as Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. (Read more about the history here.)

In 2007, Congressman Tom Latham of Iowa introduced a House Resolution supporting the Goals and Ideals of Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day, October 15th, and called on the President of the United States to issue a proclamation encouraging the American people to honour this special day of remembrance.

October 15th and the Wave of Light

On October 15th, now called Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day (PAILRD), at 7:00 pm in all time zones, families around the world will light candles (and leave the candle burning for at least an hour) in memory all of the precious babies who have been lost during pregnancy or in infancy.  Too many families grieve in silence, sometimes never coming to terms with their loss.

If you or someone you know has suffered a miscarriage, stillbirth or infant loss due to SIDS/SUID, prematurity or other cause, we hope you will join us in this national tribute to create awareness of these tragic infant deaths and provide support to those that are suffering. For suggestions, check out the image and please feel free to share it.

Filed Under: child loss, grief/loss, grieving parents Tagged With: awareness month, child loss, infant loss, october awareness month, PAIL, pregnancy and infant loss, pregnancy loss

Healing After Child Loss? Possible Or Impossible?

June 2, 2020 By Nathalie Himmelrich Leave a Comment

Photo by Rossina Abril on Unsplash

After the death of my daughter six and a half years ago I wrote: “I will never get over this.” This still holds true to some extent. However, I’m no longer in the despair that led me to make over-generalized statements about healing and sentences that implied I had the power of premonition.

Healing – no way!

The topic of healing after child loss is loaded. Loaded with personal definitions, ideas, and expectations from self and others. It is also emotionally loaded with the intensity of the traumatic life-changing event of the death of your child. A father in my first grief support group said: “I don’t want to heal because the pain is my only connection to my daughter”.

Healing – at least in my view and experience – is possible. Before jumping to conclusions or entering into an argument, you would need to ask me: What do you mean by ‘healing is possible?’

Ask yourself: What do you believe about healing? What is healing? What does it mean when used as a noun (the healing), as a verb (I heal) or in its progressive form (I am healing)? Definitions are personal and are based on what we’ve learnt, been influenced by and the myths we’ve been fed.

The most suitable definition I found is: “healing means to alleviate a person’s distress or anguish”.

Healing is personal

In the same way we individually define healing, we also heal in our very own personal way. What is supportive and helpful to me, might not be for my partner.

I processed the loss of my daughter a lot through my writing. First, it was by writing personal emails and notes on Facebook. I just needed to find words and express myself, initially not with the purpose of letting people know but to clarify things for myself. In the beginning, it was a safe way to talk to people without having to reply to their responses. The distance between the writer and the reader was my safe place.

With my mother’s suicide, I chose a completely different path: I joined a group of family survivors of suicide victims for a year-long group. It was intense, intimate, deep and very much worth every minute we spent together. I had also spent a few hours in grief group sessions after the loss of my daughter, but this was a different experience.

Healing expectations

In many cases, those who have expectations (or wishes) about our healing have not experienced the loss of a child. Even our own expectations, which we can hear in statements like “will this ever get better” or “when will I be better”, are based on an experience (pre-child loss) that is not comparable to the one we are having right now (post child loss).

Far too often the emotional healing after child loss is compared to physical healing from a wound or illness. This is so vastly different, there should be different words!

Healing is an activity

Writing, finding words for my experience, and especially the time it took to go through the memories, talking to other parents, was what helped me most.

The second most helpful was when I translated my first book Grieving Parents: Surviving Loss as a Couple from English into German and the realization that came from the changes that had already happened within that year since writing it.

And of course, being a beacon of light for others through my heart-work with events such as May We All Heal as part of the Grieving Parents Support Network.

What is helping you alleviate your distress and anguish?

Filed Under: child loss, grief/loss, grieving parents Tagged With: child loss, grief, grief myth, grief myths, grieving, grieving parents, healing, loss, miscarriage, parental grief, pregnancy loss, trauma

Time To Grieve – How Long Will My Grief Last?

January 31, 2020 By Nathalie Himmelrich Leave a Comment

Photo by Ben White on Unsplash

How long will I be grieving the death of my child? How long will my grief last? When will I feel better? Is there a time to grieve? Is it true that I need to ‘move on’ or ‘get over it’? What does ‘moving on’ look like?

How much time to grieve do I have?

I have been asked these and similar questions for years. Just last week, a member of the Grieving Parents Support Network asked:

“Hi. Do you know of any articles about ‘how long the grieving process is for losing a child’? I was told ‘fresh grief’ takes about 2 years and another said it takes 5 years. My adult daughter passed away 6.5 months ago.

When I post something about her on Facebook one was telling me I need to move on – that’s what my daughter would want me to do. Others haven’t been quite so blunt, but the message is still clear.

These comments hurt and make me angry. What shall I do? Ignore them or try to respond with a message about how hard it is to lose a child and that it takes a long time? I don’t know what to do.”

The question showed me a couple of things:

[Read more…] about Time To Grieve – How Long Will My Grief Last?

Filed Under: child loss, grief/loss, grieving parents Tagged With: child loss, grief, grief myth, grief myths, grieving, grieving parents, healing, loss, miscarriage, parental grief, pregnancy loss, trauma

Comparing Grief – Can It Be Helpful?

December 19, 2019 By Nathalie Himmelrich Leave a Comment

Photo by freestocks.org on Unsplash

Comparing grief is something we all have done at some point.

“But you’ve only had a miscarriage.”
“I experienced the same when my grandpa died.”
“My stillbirth was … in comparison to my miscarriages.”
“I cannot imagine losing a teenager.”

All these are comparisons: a miscarriage versus a stillbirth or neonatal death, the experience of the death of a child versus the death of grandpa, my stillbirth versus my miscarriages, the loss of a teenager versus another loss (or no loss).

Invalidating

Statements that include a comparison are often uttered without any bad intention. They are often an opinion of someone from what they understand or not understand from their vantage point in life.

In many cases, they are helpless attempts at dealing with the unimaginable grief that follows a loss, your own or someone else’s.

In many cases, however, a comparison is invalidating someone’s experience and feelings. No matter the kind of loss, it involves grief and pain.

We cannot truly know what someone else is going through, even if our losses involve the same person or the person in the same relationship (for example grandpa).

Even after an extensive exchange with our partner in regard to the loss of our child we only know what they have shared. And even then, we only have ‘what we understood’ and not ‘what they truly meant’.

Gaining perspective

If the comparison helps you to see something good and helpful for yourself, then it can be helpful – but only to yourself.

For example, Katja, one of the contributors of the book ‘Surviving My First Year of Child Loss’ said in an interview: “I know the murderer of my child, I know he’s in jail and I’ve got a trial coming up. Some other parents don’t have that option.”

Another example is comparing your own losses. I know that my daughter’s neonatal loss has impacted me in a completely and utterly different way to my miscarriages and my mother’s suicide.

Even the different miscarriages have not caused the same pain, physical as well as emotional.

Does it support your healing?

Comparing your grief experience within the different losses you have experienced can help you gain perspective and understand your varied responses given the different losses.

Comparing your grief to someone else’s grief is only helpful for you if it supports your healing.

It’s not something you need to share with that someone as that again would potentially invalidate their experience.

In my work as a grief psychotherapist, the most important question I ask is: Does it support your healing?

That’s when you know.


Filed Under: child loss, grief/loss, grieving parents Tagged With: child loss, grief, grief myth, grief myths, grieving, grieving parents, healing, loss, miscarriage, parental grief, pregnancy loss, trauma

The Healing Is In The Feeling

September 10, 2019 By Nathalie Himmelrich Leave a Comment

Photo by Ben White on Unsplash

… and that is why it doesn’t help to be told ‘you should just get over it’.

You are making a difference

So many times bereaved parents hear sentences that proclaim myths about their grieving and healing. We all have heard those myths, so much so that we have come to believe many of them. So it’s no surprise we, as the bereaved, struggle with healing after loss because it’s so different than portrayed or spoken about in society.

That’s where…

  • YOU (the bereaved) talking about your loss
  • YOU being open about your feelings and thoughts
  • YOU remembering your child
  • YOU openly sharing your tears when grief is triggered
  • YOU celebrating your child’s memory
  • YOU standing tall accepting where you are on your journey with grief

… are making a difference. 

You are a grief and healing warrior

You are a hope spreader, truth speaker, way bearer, silence breaker, taboo destroyer, meaning creator, new normal ambassador and a human resilient healer.

Some of the myths, that we have heard for aeons are the following, or versions of:

get over the loss, stop talking about it, move on, forget about it, time heals all wounds, have another baby (in the case of a bereaved parent), think about… (your husband, your other surviving children), keep yourself busy.

As you all know, most of those are not helpful and deny us of our experience that we have to the point where we ourselves say “I shouldn’t be crying…” or “I’m sorry I lost it” when we feel what is a natural part of healing.

Healing is in the feeling

Healing happens one conversation at a time, thought by thought, tear after tear that runs down our cheeks. Healing can also happen by doing something, creating new meaning, putting your brainpower into a project or your physical power into building something. Healing is so varied and often happens without us even knowing it is happening. It also happens when we think ‘I’m feeling worse again’ or ‘I’ve gone backwards’.

Natural experience

Stop denying your experience. Stop giving other people the power to deny your experience. What you experience naturally is just that: natural.

Yes, of course, you can increase your not so pleasant feelings by doing the very thing you know increases it: for example looking at photos, or listening to specific music. It doesn’t mean you shouldn’t do that, it means to be mindful of when and how you do it.

So, how can you own your experience? By becoming and being aware of your own emotions, thoughts, actions, behaviours and spoken words. By taking responsibility for those powers and not letting those be directed by what other people or society think or feel.

Filed Under: child loss, emotions/feelings, grief/loss, grieving parents Tagged With: child loss, grief, grief myth, grief myths, grieving, grieving parents, healing, loss, miscarriage, parental grief, pregnancy loss, trauma

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    Nathalie Himmelrich

    I accompany people therapeutically as a holistic counsellor and coach.

    I walk alongside people dealing with the challenges presented by life and death.

    I’m also a writer and published author of multiple grief resource books and the founder of the Grieving Parents Support Network.

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