Nathalie Himmelrich

Inspiring Hope | Finding healthy ways of Grieving | Writer

emotions/feelings

The Pandemic of Grief and Loss

By Leave a Comment

You and I are not as different as it might seem…

I will never forget my father’s first words on January 19th, 2012 as I finally reached him: ‘You have got to be strong now.’

I knew what he was going to say next and I didn’t want to hear it. I didn’t want it to become the reality we had been dreading: My mother was dead.

It was only 4,5 months after my daughters were born and the younger twin had died 3 days after birth.

By now, you might be wondering why I started this post with the statement above. Hear me out…

Have you been touched by loss?

In the past 2 years as we all dealt with the worldwide effects of a pandemic, a situation no one would have or could have imagined, we have all been touched by loss in one way or another.

From letting go of personal freedom to move to no longer being able to meet and be close with people, from losing loved ones, through separation of space, different views, ideas, or all the way to loved ones who died from Covid.

Loss upon loss

The losses that we all had to deal with or face, in one way or another, have made grief an experience closer than we might even fully realize.

  • loss of people through death
  • loss of personal freedom
  • loss of health
  • loss of income, job, career
  • loss of closeness and intimacy
  • loss of friendships
  • loss of freedom of choice
  • loss of ease with which we decided to go about our lives
  • loss of relationships
  • loss of humanity
  • loss of unity
  • loss of individuality
  • loss of trust in self, in others, in society, in …
  • loss of potential
  • loss of safety
  • loss of belonging
  • loss of connection through isolation
  • loss of clarity
  • loss of individual rights

… just to name a few.

Changes and letting go

The increase of fear and worry goes side by side with the changes we all had to go through. Changes inevitably bring emotions: some changes bring relief, others fear, uncertainty, and many if not all mean letting go of what we are or have been used to.

Letting go involves grieving what no longer is. Maybe the grief is subtle, and going under the radar of your awareness. Sometimes it shows up through physical, emotional, or cognitive symptoms such as, for example, a lack of motivation.

Are there any other kinds of losses you have experienced? I’d love to add them to the list. Share them in the comments below.

Photo Credit: Photo by Amin Moshrefi on Unsplash

You’re the Hero in Your Grief Story

By Leave a Comment

Why is it important to share your grief story?

So let me be clear: you don’t need to share your story, but if you do, you have the choice over how much you share and with whom.

I have found working with clients time and time again that there was healing power in talking about not just what happened but also how they faced adversity and how they found hope within the dark.

Joseph Campbell’s Hero’s Story applied to grief

Joseph Campbell, an American professor of literature, found out that for thousands of years people all over the world communicated with stories having similar patterns and basic elements. He structured these patterns and elements into 12 phases, or stages, and called it “The Hero’s Journey“. These stages incorporate mechanisms that connect people on a deeper, core level.

No wonder this technique is so popular in Hollywood. You can find the 12 phases of Hero’s Journey in almost all of the movies. 

Campbell’s Hero Journey Model

Without diving into too many details of those phases, the Hero’s journey can be boiled down to three essential stages:

  1. The departure: The Hero leaves the familiar world behind.
  2. The initiation: The Hero learns to navigate the unfamiliar world.
  3. The return: The Hero returns to the familiar world.

Let’s explore the details of the three stages:

Image Source: https://windhorseguild.org

Departure

In brief, the Hero is living in the so-called “ordinary world” when he receives a call to adventure. 

Usually, the Hero is unsure of following this call — this phase is known as the “refusal of the call” — but is then helped by a mentor figure, who gives him counsel and convinces him to follow the call.

Initiation  – On the road

In the initiation section, the hero enters the “special world,” where he begins facing a series of tasks until he reaches the story’s climax — the main obstacle or enemy. 

Here, the hero puts into practice everything he has learned on his journey to overcome the obstacle. 

Campbell talks about the hero attaining some kind of prize for his troubles — this can be a physical token or “elixir”, or just good, old-fashioned wisdom (or both).

Return – Transformation

Feeling like he is ready to go back to his world, the hero must now leave. 

Once back in the ordinary world, he undergoes a personal metamorphosis to realize how his adventure has changed him as a person.

Application to grieving a loss

Many people facing loss would oppose the loss being “a call to adventure”. Nevertheless, the bereaved would probably agree with me to call grieving “a hell of a journey”.

Departure

The ordinary world:  A person is living their every day, “before-loss” life, unaware of what awaits them. (Comfort Zone)

The call to adventure: The person is experiencing a loss (divorce, losing a job, the ending of a relationship, the loss of a role as a parent, etc.) and is asked to step into the unknown. The call within the context of grief may be expected, but more often it is unexpected, unwelcome, and unwanted. The individual rarely feels prepared, often caught by surprise. Regardless of the circumstance, an invitation has been made and the individual must grapple with the invitation to deal with the loss. (Stressor: Sadness, guilt, blame, helplessness, depression, anger)

Initiation – On the road

Refusal of the call: The person can’t believe what is happening to them. They feel like they are an actor in a movie. The individual must grapple with whether to accept the invitation or decline. (Denial)

Mentor: Support people, such as friends & family members, colleagues, doctors, nurses, therapists show up and help the person face the fact of the loss. (Grief Support)

Crossing the threshold: The person realizes the loss more and more, for example when attending the funeral, or seeing their ex with another new friend, etc. They are moving into their “after-the-loss” life. (Dealing with all the feelings and stages of grief, moving towards acceptance)

The ordeal: The person is dealing with grief’s pain, grief triggers and is learning to live without the person, pet, thing, or any other situation they lost. While enduring the grief journey, a powerful secret about ourselves is discovered: We can survive grief’s pain. And it almost killed us. (Self-reflection, self-knowledge, understanding of grief’s pain on a physical, mental, emotional and spiritual level)

Return – Transformation

The return: The person has experienced not just loss and the intensity of grief’s pain but also that they can survive it. They return, non in terms of getting back to the “before-loss” life or the person they were before but transformed by the experience and becoming a new person. (True acceptance, self-compassion, and integration back into life)

Teachings from Joseph Campell’s Hero’s Journey in grief

As witnessed in every hero’s journey ever told, regardless of where the challenges originate, the hero must find effective approaches and develop strategies that will aid them in their recovery.

The same applies to the bereaved hero:

  • You need to find approaches that help you deal with your emotions and grief triggers
  • You need to collect strategies to deal with those mentioned
  • You need to apply those strategies
  • The aim is to re-integrate into life, with and through the transformation of the grief journey.

The Purpose of Grief

By Leave a Comment

Anniversaries, as you know, have a way of being remembered in the body way before they get consciously registered in the mind. It is as if our body remembers first. 

And, most important of all, EVERY BODY remembers differently because every body IS different. 

Is there a purpose in grieving 10 years later? 

Private archive

… I asked myself. I like to think there is. I don’t know what the purpose might be but I do trust the body is doing its best to integrate loss into life. 

What are your thoughts? Why do you think we grieve, why grieving might be necessary? 

Grief 10 years later

You might have read in my last newsletter, you will have read that last week was my twin daughter’s birthday and also my younger daughter’s 10th death anniversary. 

The following is what I wrote this year on the anniversary:

It’s been 10 years and it still hurts. Most of the time, I’m not actively grieving. But then there are times when it overcomes me. This was today, the 10th anniversary of A’Mya’s death. 

This week where birthday and death anniversary collide is usually the most intense in the whole year. 

So, what happens after death, after grief no longer runs your life on a daily or regular basis? 

Grief triggers will bring up memories

The following I wrote yesterday:

Today, as I watched the Grey’s Anatomy series, the tiny premmie in the NICU died. I watched the mother in the scene hold her baby for the first, last, and only time… “I’m not ready yet”, the uttered through tears streaming down her face, as he stopped breathing. That was me, 10 years ago. 
And I remember with every fiber of my being the gut-wrenching pain as well as the honor to hold her as she drew her last breath. 

Triggers will come up, no matter the time that has passed since the death. For me, it isn’t about avoiding triggers. It is about riding the waves and letting them wash up the shore until the sea has calmed down again. 

And then there is life, continuing 

The week of birth and death anniversaries has come to an end… and life goes on… and continues… turning and turning like the big Ferris wheel 🎡 currently in our village.

The hardest part of grief is learning to go on living without them. ​

Regulation of the Nervous System

By 1 Comment

Photo by Anthony Tran on Unsplash

Regulated

Human beings have a nervous system. This nervous system comes into play on a daily basis.

When a nervous system is regulated, blood flows naturally and effortlessly, moves into the higher-order part of our brain. In a regulated state, we have access to our social engagement function, creativity, higher-order problem solving, and complex perspective-taking to the current level of our cognitive development.

Having a regulated nervous system is essential to well-being and the potential of thriving as a human being.

Dysregulated

When dysregulated, however, this higher-order brain function shuts down by degrees depending on just how activated (triggered) our nervous system becomes.

Triggers can for example be

  • being exposed to intense noise, activity or movement
  • trying to accomplish too much in too short of time, rushing
  • being in a highly stressful environment, such as at work or home
  • sudden shock, for example being fightened by a loud noise or through an attack
  • violence to the body, as subtle as through blood being taken

As an effect, we lose access to our ability to engage socially, often felt as social anxiety.

We lose access to creativity and problem solving, which often feels like stress.

We lose access to perspective-taking, often felt es rigid and stuck thinking.

As a result, we tend to experience some heightened aspect, or a combination of

  • fight
  • flight
  • freeze
  • fawn

“There are two types of people in this world. Those that are traumatized, and those that are traumatized but they don’t know it.”

Gabor Mate

Regulation is a priority

Being regulated, therefore, should be a high priority in the way we approach life.

A truly regulated state, however, only exists in relation to other human beings, referred to as co-regulation. We are socially wired and our nervous systems need others to feel safe.

Co-regulation versus self-regulation

A dysregulated state is essentially a child state, and a child is incapable of feeling safe without the presence of a calm adult. Regulation is learned by modeling and through co-regulation in attuned and secure parenting relationships.

When there is a lack of a safe, calm other – either because that is the reality one finds on in or because prevailing attachment patterns block one from being able to recognize and move towards this form of security, then alternative regulation strategies are enacted.

Self-soothing (self-regulation)

Examples of self-soothing (calming down an anxious nervous system) are:

  • calming strategies, such as breathing in a specific rhythm
  • going for walks in nature
  • using specific scents an essentials such as in aroma therapy

Self-soothing is a strategy, a technique to help one get by, but it won’t solve the reason why the nervous system is in an anxious state, to begin with.

In regards to attachment styles, this technique is most often used by anxious types.

Auto-regulation (self-regulation)

This strategy tends to focus on taking one’s mind away from the intensity of interpersonal stress, often by seeking other forms of intensity.

Examples of auto-regulation are:

  • exercising with high intensity or in extreme sports
  • using drug or alcohol
  • watching movies or series, usually dramatic or action intense
  • sex
  • applying oneself in certain types of intense breath-work or meditation
  • working through high focus periods
  • using emotional cathartic prelease processes

All these intense energy-focusing activities shift one’s focus away from the triggering event while maintaining the activated state within the nervous system. This seemingly highly productive strategy is over time taxing on the adrenals, kidneys, and the nervous system health.

In regard to attachment style, this technique is most often used by avoidant types.

Co-regulation

Co-regulation, however, is an experience of entering a regulated nervous system state in and by the presence of another, or multiple, human beings.

It is often so natural that we don’t necessarily recognize that we are in it.

Examples of co-regulation are:

  • connecting to your beloved
  • playing and having fun with another human being
  • feeling the care of attuned parents
  • looking into someone’s eyes without even saying any words

Ways to co-regulate are:

  • Touch – such as holding hands, sitting shoulder to shoulder, back-to-back or in a simple embrace with another human being
  • Breath and gaze – which involved breathing together while maintaing some form of eye contact
  • Verbal – through active, embodied listening and reflective mirroring

Co-regulation AND self-regulation

All of those kinds of regulations have their place and are highly necessary. At times, self-regulation is the only available option, yet, co-regulation is vitally important. Even more so in today’s situation.

Optimal thriving as a human being does not, cannot, and will not (while we remain human) occur in isolation.

Damien Bohler

The Relationship Between Trauma & Grief

By 2 Comments

Many of the people I have been working with have shown signs of Trauma & Grief intertwined. So, you might wonder, what is the difference and how do I know whether I or someone else is experience grief, trauma, or both?

Defining experiences

Normal Grief, as defined by MedicineNet, is: The normal process of reacting to a loss. The loss may be physical (such as a death), social (such as divorce), or occupational (such as a job). Segen’s Medical Dictionary says: Grief over the loss of a loved one begins to fade into adequate coping mechanisms within six months. This is obviously a very general definition. It leaves me wondering what they define as adequate coping mechanisms. It also does not incorporate the fact that it is highly dependent on which loved one it is (child, parent, partner, or friend?) or through what circumstances the loss occurred (old age, illness, accident, or, for example, murder?)

There is no such thing as ‘normal’ grief. Grievers know that there is nothing that feels normal in their experience. Grief makes them feel like they are going crazy. Normal Grief is grief that follows expected reactions and responses (check out Chapter 2 – Understanding Grief and the Bereaved in the book Bridging the Grief Gap). From a therapeutic point of view, grief progresses in a normal way when the bereaved gradually moves towards acceptance of the loss, and, as time goes by, they are able to re-enter life and engage in daily activities. It can also be called Uncomplicated Grief. 

Traumatic Grief is a normal grief response to a loved one’s death that is perceived to be horrifying, unexpected, violent, or traumatic. This includes accidents, murder, abduction, abuse, or cruelty happening to the loved one. Trauma needs to be treated as well as the grief response. The distress experienced may be severe enough to impair daily functioning. 

Trauma isn’t what happens to you
It is what happens inside of you as a result of that.

Gabor Mate

Grief, trauma or both?

If you or someone else is experiencing a loss that is paired with horror, violence, or happened suddenly, out of order, or unexpected there is also trauma involved.

Trauma is stored in the body, in the tissue, in the muscles, bones, ligaments. It leads to people’s responses that can be classified into four categories:

  • fight
  • flight
  • freeze or
  • submission

Most often we are used to or have heard of the fight or flight reaction to trauma. In the event of traumatic loss, freeze is more often the case. Traumatic loss often leaves people helpless, hopeless, overwhelmed, and in despair.

It is important to be aware of the trauma aspect and have support in treating not just the grief, but also the trauma.

Permanent change

Grief changes people. They see life in a different light and speak a different language. One sentence I hear from grievers over and over: “I will never be the same again.” And even though they can’t know for sure what happens until the end of their life, they express the immensity of the effects of the life-altering experience: a significant loss. 

Having studied trauma and the effects on human beings, I’ve come to realise that even though not all losses are experienced as traumatic many grievers grapple with the effects of the trauma related to their loss. The following paragraph is a summary of the effect of trauma in relation to loss, and its neuroscientific effect on the brain. 

Following the death of her dad, journalist Amy Paturel wrote a story which appeared in the Discover magazine called The Traumatic Loss of a Loved One Is Like Experiencing a Brain Injury. “According to a 2019 study published in Social Cognitive and Affective Neuroscience, grievers minimize awareness of thoughts related to their loss. The result: heightened anxiety and an inability to think straight” wrote Paturel. Additionally, Paturel shares scientists increasingly view the experience of traumatic loss as a type of brain injury. 

Grief affects the brain. The loss of someone meaningful is a stressor that triggers the pituitary gland to release adrenocorticotrohin (ACTH). This sends a signal to the adrenal glands to release cortisone, a stress hormone. Given that the stressor isn’t temporary but intense, the body remains flooded by cortisone. This can cause your immune system to falter which leads to a run-down feeling. A traumatized brain leads to the primitive areas (including the fear centre) being overactive adding to feelings of stress and despair. Higher cortical areas are underactive, for example, the area that regulates emotions. 

“The problem isn’t sorrow; it’s a fog of confusion, disorientation, and delusions of magical thinking,” writes Lisa Shulman, a neurologist at the University of Maryland School of Medicine, in a blog post for Johns Hopkins University Press about her book Before and After Loss: A Neurologist’s Perspective on Loss, Grief, and Our Brain. Shulman also explained that the emotional trauma of loss results in serious changes in brain function that endure.

References:

Paturel, Amy (2020). The Traumatic Loss of a Loved One Is Like Experiencing a Brain Injury,

https://www.discovermagazine.com/mind/the-traumatic-loss-of-a-loved-one-is-like-experiencing-a-brain-injury

Shulman, Lisa (2018). Before and After Loss: A Neurologist’s Perspective on Loss, Grief, and Our Brain, MD: Johns Hopkins University Press

Photo by Shifaaz shamoon on Unsplash

Best Questions to ask – Supporting Questions

By 2 Comments

“The answers you get depend on the questions you ask.”

― Thomas S. Kuhn, Author of the book The Structure of Scientific Revolutions
Grief Support Quote

Supporting yourself or someone else through the throws of grief and trauma really depends on the conversations that are happening, inside and outside. It is about the thoughts we have in our minds and the questions we ask those we are supporting.

In order to understand the power of questions in grief support, let’s look at the most important three different types, adapted to the situation of grief, loss, trauma, and the support with those situations.*

Closed questions

Closed questions often invite a one-word answer, such as ‘yes’ or ‘no’. For example, ‘did she die immediately?’ or, ‘did you feel numb?’ They could also include answers to factual or multiple-choice questions, such as ‘how old was he when he died’, or ‘does it hurt more in the morning or in the evening?’

These questions are easy to answer and don’t require much detail. They, however, don’t really invite the person asked to open up about how they feeling or to share what they would need to talk about.

Useful for: getting a quick answer, not overwhelming the other person

Be mindful that: these questions do not open up for a deep conversation

Open questions

Open-ended questions can’t be answered with a simple yes or no response. They require a little more thought and readiness from the questioner to the potential of emotionality this might bring up in the person asked. These kinds of questions however also encourage wider discussion and elaboration. For example: ‘what do you think of the doctor’s advice?’ Or ‘why did you choose that kind of treatment?’ Or ‘what does it bring up for you to be without your mother on Mother’s Day?

Useful for: critical or creative discussion, finding out more information about a person or subject

Be mindful that: open questions can elicit emotions but also really allow the person to share from their heart, which is important

Probing questions

These questions are useful for gaining clarification and encouraging others to tell you more information about a subject. Probing questions are usually a series of questions that dig deeper and provide a fuller picture. For example: ‘when would you like me to come over, or would you like to give me a call when you are ready?’

Useful for: seeing the bigger picture, encouraging a reluctant speaker to tell you more information, and avoiding misunderstandings

Be mindful that: they need to be asked with sensitivity as the griever or traumatized might easily feel criticized or attacked for their way of dealing with their situation

A word on tone

Did you know that we take more than half of the meaning of a conversation out of body language? In addition, tone, context, and intonation, all help us make sense of what is being asked of us. But what happens when you throw technology into the mix and place a digital screen between the interlocutors? All those over 50% of the message carried by body language, tone, and intonation gets lost in translation.

Emojis and gifs have made their way into conversations everywhere. They can be useful but also lead to misunderstandings. Generally, I would always, if possible, prefer talking face-to-face with someone in distress over the phone or by text.

With a certain level of carefulness towards tone and a knowledge of how to ask questions in the right way, you can get a lot more out of your conversation.

Best supporting questions for the bereaved or traumatized

Choosing the best and most supportive questions to ask really depend on the circumstances and on the relationship between the people in conversation.

Here are some of those that I have found work really well to get a conversation going:

  • How are you doing today?
  • Based on what you know and what works best for you, what would help you the most? (you might like to follow up with 3-5 suggestions, if the person doesn’t come up with an answer themselves)
  • What has supported or helped you cope in the last few hours/days/weeks/months?

When working with people I found that when I have established a deeply trusting and supportive relationship with the client I can ask almost any question. This naturally is based on my lengthy experience and my sensitivity to the topic of grief, loss, and trauma.

👉🏼 Griever Input

Letting the people surrounding you know what is helpful and what is not is your right. They don’t know better, what you need, than YOU.

👉🏼 Supporter Input

Experience has shown that grieving or traumatized people appreciate being asked with sincerity and the intent of support. They do tell you when they don’t want to talk about certain things. They generally react well to being asked what they need, rather than being told.

*The types of questions are from the article ‘The 8 essential questioning techniques you need to know’ adapted to grief, loss, trauma.

Subscribe for updates
    Built with ConvertKit
    Nathalie Himmelrich

    I accompany people therapeutically as a holistic counsellor and coach.

    I walk alongside people dealing with the challenges presented by life and death.

    I’m also a writer and published author of multiple grief resource books and the founder of the Grieving Parents Support Network.

    Terms of Use | Privacy Policy | Affiliate Disclosure

    Copyright © 2012 - 2022 Nathalie Himmelrich | All Rights Reserved