grieving parents

The Right Kind of Grief and Trauma Support

June 20, 2022 By Nathalie Himmelrich Leave a Comment

What is the right kind of grief support and how can I find it? This is the question that each and every one of you reading this will have asked yourself.

Where to find support?

I did too when I was freshly bereaved. Luckily I had a wonderful General Practitioner who referred me to a therapist who I, being a therapist, didn’t have to coach on how to be with me, talk to me, and treat me.

Looking back, she was very supportive and, as I later found out, was also pregnant at the time. I don’t know where I would have been without seeing her and being able to have a sounding board checking on my mental health. She made me feel normal in a situation where I felt as if I was going crazy. She helped me gain perspective and start my journey of dealing with grief before my subsequent and traumatic loss of my mother through suicide.

Am I doing grief ‘right’?

My request for my therapist was to help me gain an understanding of grief and loss. I need to know if I was doing it ‘right’. Even though I understood it from a therapist’s point of view and worked with clients facing grief, I was well aware that going through the experience myself was a completely different pair of shoes.

As a couple, we also went to a grief support group led by the hospital at which I had given birth. This was very helpful for both of us. We got to meet other mothers and fathers, who had also lost a child. We could benefit from listening to their situations and their way of dealing with them.

So how can you find suitable support for yourself?

First of all, you need to decide and find out what it is that you need. The following questions can help you:

Do I need or prefer one on one support or group support or anything else that might support me?
If therapy, do I prefer face-to-face, or am I okay with online therapy?
If therapy, would I be better at seeing a male or a female therapist?
If group support, do I prefer face-to-face or an online group?
If group support, do I want to participate or prefer to be in the background?
If neither therapy nor group supports me, what else supports me? Reading, writing, gardening…?
What would you need to be able to incorporate the support that would be best?

Grief and trauma-informed therapy

If you are looking for a therapist and have experienced loss and or trauma, make absolutely sure that your therapist is grief and trauma-informed. What does that mean? Find out whether they have specific training in grief and trauma. You can either check their website on the about us page or ask them when you talk to them. There are multiple different forms of training for trauma some of the ones that I would recommend are Somatic Experience (SE) developed by Peter Levine and the Neuro Affective Relational Model (NARM) developed by Lawrence Heller. you can find practitioners around the world on their practitioners’ websites.

Finding the right therapist

Like any relationship, the therapist-client relationship needs to feel suitable to you personally. You might like to ask a friend for some recommendations. You could also ask for a referral from your doctor, midwife, nurse, or other healthcare providers.

In both of those situations, you still need to try them out to find out whether the two of you are a good fit.

Find out what the therapist offers in a free introductory session or give them a call and ask for 10 minutes of their time to get to know them. (Book a FREE 30 min introductory session with me here.)

Then make an appointment. When you are there sense how this therapist fits you:

Does the therapist’s room make me feel at ease?
Do I get a feeling of being supported when I speak to them?
Do they listen to me, and do I feel validated and understood?
Do I feel at ease being there?
Do I feel like making another appointment?
Does the therapist ask me about my wishes, aspirations, reasons for therapy, and what I would like to achieve through being here?

These questions should be giving her enough information on whether you want to continue therapy with a specific person or try another one.

Grief group support

There are many different grief support groups out there and through the years of COVID people have become used to meeting online if in-person isn’t possible. On the support page, you can find different suggested groups or you can simply search them yourself based on the specific topic that you need support with, for example, pregnancy loss, child loss, loss through suicide, homicide loss, loss of a grandparent, loss of partner loss of a mother, loss of a father, etc.

Finding the right group

In the same way, as therapists need to fit your needs so does a group. If you like to participate in a group, it is good to choose a group that meets regularly either in person or online. If you prefer to stay in the background, there are grief groups, for example on Facebook, where you can read and comment if you like to.

Make sure that the general theme of the group is a fit for you. I personally have noticed that there are some groups who did not fit with me early on because they were too focused on religion. I needed a group that was filled with hope and showed me the potential for healing and integration.

Overwhelm versus support

Remember: When you are in the early stages of grief, you need support. You might be able to find support among your friends or family members but chances are, they too are to some degree affected and overwhelmed and cannot give you the full support you need. Divide your support needs among different people and providers and don’t overload just any one friend. Talk to a therapist, take part in a support group, message a friend. You might find this article on ‘Circles of Support’ interesting to read.

What you need to be mindful of, is your own feeling of overwhelm: Clients have described to me that certain groups are ‘just too much’ for them, or ‘all the stories of other … losing … triggers me’. Again: You need support, so sense inside yourself to find out what truly supports you. You are also not there to support others – that might come later on. To become a skilled bereaved supporter, you might like to read this book.

Grief 10 years on

January 19, 2022 By Nathalie Himmelrich 4 Comments

Even though the time that has passed since death
does not determine the amount of grief left to be felt,
it still gives us information
on the length of time
we managed to survive without them.
Nathalie Himmelrich

From Nathalie Himmelrich´s private archives

What does grief and grief work look like 10 years on?

Today is my mother’s 10th year death anniversary. She died from suicide following years of depression, just 4.5 months after my daughter’s death.

First of all, it feels partly unreal that it’s already 10 years and partly I’m in sort of disbelief about the fact that she died at all.

Let me be clear: I’m cognitively absolutely clear that she is dead. And still, it’s somehow strangely unreal.

Grief still works through me

Today, I noticed feeling on edge, easily annoyed by trivial things. That’s normal and to be expected when the layer of ice over grief is thinned through an anniversary date. Honestly, I think my physical body is aware of and reacting in response to the approaching anniversary way before the mind catches up.

Feelings come and go

I let myself sit with feelings as they come and go, choose to look at memories and photos in honour of her, become teary looking at certain ones, plan to visit the cemetery, and leave ten roses for her. I feel restless, a bit lost, and let myself be in it. And then I do something else for a while and let it rest.

How long has it been for you? How do you feel around your loved one’s death anniversary? Share with me here.

Grief over time

If you want to read more about how grief changed over the years, you might find the following articles interesting to read:

10 years into grief (child loss)

7 years into grief (child loss)

6 years into grief (child loss)

The Birthday Of The Child Who Isn’t Alive

5 years into grief (child loss)

Learning To Live Without You

4 years into grief (sibling loss, mother loss, child loss)

Gusts Of Grief – 4.5 years into grief seen through the eyes of a surviving twin (sibling loss)
You Have Got To Be Strong Now – reflections on my mother´s death 4 year into grief (mother loss)
Dear Child Of Mine – 4 years into grief (child loss)

3 years into grief (child loss)

It’s 3 Years Today That I Held You In My Arms: The First, The Last, The Only Time

2 months into grief (child loss)

Grief – A Very Personal Experience

💭 I daydream…

September 15, 2021 By Nathalie Himmelrich 18 Comments

I daydream about … 💫 who they would have become ✨

Last night I went to Ananda Mae’s parents’ evening at the school. Every parent had to introduce their child given it was a new formation of kids.

As I heard the other parents describe their child, mentioning their siblings, I went off daydreaming about AM’s sister, A’Mya.

Who would you have become? What would it be like for the two to go to the same school, or even class? To share friends, experiences, and birthdays?

Just the other day Ananda Mae had asked me to daydream with her about her sister. She asked exactly those questions. “Mum, would A’Mya look just like me?” “I imagine very similar, given you are identical twins,” I replied.

Go ahead, daydream

Daydreaming about a future that cannot be is a way of remembering. Remembering your loved one. Living a relationship, learning to be in a new relationship when the kind of relationship we would have wanted to live is no longer possible.

Whoever came up with the notion ‘not to grow up the child/baby who died’ (I remember it was a therapist 🤦🏽‍♀️ – not me though) was wrong. It is completely normal and natural to do so, at least in my experience and the experience of her surviving twin.

Thank you for being right here and now with me 🕊

The Purpose of Grief

September 8, 2021 By Nathalie Himmelrich Leave a Comment

Anniversaries, as you know, have a way of being remembered in the body way before they get consciously registered in the mind. It is as if our body remembers first.

And, most important of all, EVERY BODY remembers differently because every body IS different.

Is there a purpose in grieving 10 years later?

… I asked myself. I like to think there is. I don’t know what the purpose might be but I do trust the body is doing its best to integrate loss into life.

What are your thoughts? Why do you think we grieve, why grieving might be necessary?

Grief 10 years later

You might have read in my last newsletter, you will have read that last week was my twin daughter’s birthday and also my younger daughter’s 10th death anniversary.

The following is what I wrote this year on the anniversary:

It’s been 10 years and it still hurts. Most of the time, I’m not actively grieving. But then there are times when it overcomes me. This was today, the 10th anniversary of A’Mya’s death.

This week where birthday and death anniversary collide is usually the most intense in the whole year.

So, what happens after death, after grief no longer runs your life on a daily or regular basis?

Grief triggers will bring up memories

The following I wrote yesterday:

Today, as I watched the Grey’s Anatomy series, the tiny premmie in the NICU died. I watched the mother in the scene hold her baby for the first, last, and only time… “I’m not ready yet”, the uttered through tears streaming down her face, as he stopped breathing. That was me, 10 years ago.
And I remember with every fiber of my being the gut-wrenching pain as well as the honor to hold her as she drew her last breath.

Triggers will come up, no matter the time that has passed since the death. For me, it isn’t about avoiding triggers. It is about riding the waves and letting them wash up the shore until the sea has calmed down again.

And then there is life, continuing

The week of birth and death anniversaries has come to an end… and life goes on… and continues… turning and turning like the big Ferris wheel 🎡 currently in our village.

The hardest part of grief is learning to go on living without them.

October – Pregnancy And Infant Loss Awareness Month

August 30, 2021 By Nathalie Himmelrich Leave a Comment

PAIL support infographic — Image by Nathalie Himmelrich

October is International SIDS, Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month (and also Breast Cancer Awareness Month). This article will shine a light on the history and meaning for our community, and provide a resource of events and projects you can take part, if you wish, to make this month meaningful for you. It will also offer a list of ways you can support yourself.

History

According to Wikipedia, the Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Movement began in the United States in 1987. On October 25, 1988, American President Ronald Reagan designated the entire month of October 1988 as Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. (Read more about the history here.)

In 2007, Congressman Tom Latham of Iowa introduced a House Resolution supporting the Goals and Ideals of Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day, October 15th, and called on the President of the United States to issue a proclamation encouraging the American people to honour this special day of remembrance.

October 15^th and the Wave of Light

On October 15^th, now called Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day (PAILRD), at 7:00 pm in all time zones, families around the world will light candles (and leave the candle burning for at least an hour) in memory all of the precious babies who have been lost during pregnancy or in infancy. Too many families grieve in silence, sometimes never coming to terms with their loss.

If you or someone you know has suffered a miscarriage, stillbirth or infant loss due to SIDS/SUID, prematurity or other cause, we hope you will join us in this national tribute to create awareness of these tragic infant deaths and provide support to those that are suffering. For suggestions, check out the image and please feel free to share it.

The Relationship Between Trauma & Grief

August 24, 2021 By Nathalie Himmelrich 2 Comments

Many of the people I have been working with have shown signs of Trauma & Grief intertwined. So, you might wonder, what is the difference and how do I know whether I or someone else is experience grief, trauma, or both?

Defining experiences

Normal Grief, as defined by MedicineNet, is: The normal process of reacting to a loss. The loss may be physical (such as a death), social (such as divorce), or occupational (such as a job). Segen’s Medical Dictionary says: Grief over the loss of a loved one begins to fade into adequate coping mechanisms within six months. This is obviously a very general definition. It leaves me wondering what they define as adequate coping mechanisms. It also does not incorporate the fact that it is highly dependent on which loved one it is (child, parent, partner, or friend?) or through what circumstances the loss occurred (old age, illness, accident, or, for example, murder?)

There is no such thing as ‘normal’ grief. Grievers know that there is nothing that feels normal in their experience. Grief makes them feel like they are going crazy. Normal Grief is grief that follows expected reactions and responses (check out Chapter 2 – Understanding Grief and the Bereaved in the book Bridging the Grief Gap). From a therapeutic point of view, grief progresses in a normal way when the bereaved gradually moves towards acceptance of the loss, and, as time goes by, they are able to re-enter life and engage in daily activities. It can also be called Uncomplicated Grief.

Traumatic Grief is a normal grief response to a loved one’s death that is perceived to be horrifying, unexpected, violent, or traumatic. This includes accidents, murder, abduction, abuse, or cruelty happening to the loved one. Trauma needs to be treated as well as the grief response. The distress experienced may be severe enough to impair daily functioning.

Trauma isn’t what happens to you
It is what happens inside of you as a result of that.
Gabor Mate

Grief, trauma or both?

If you or someone else is experiencing a loss that is paired with horror, violence, or happened suddenly, out of order, or unexpected there is also trauma involved.

Trauma is stored in the body, in the tissue, in the muscles, bones, ligaments. It leads to people’s responses that can be classified into four categories:

fight
flight
freeze or
submission

Most often we are used to or have heard of the fight or flight reaction to trauma. In the event of traumatic loss, freeze is more often the case. Traumatic loss often leaves people helpless, hopeless, overwhelmed, and in despair.

It is important to be aware of the trauma aspect and have support in treating not just the grief, but also the trauma.

Permanent change

Grief changes people. They see life in a different light and speak a different language. One sentence I hear from grievers over and over: “I will never be the same again.” And even though they can’t know for sure what happens until the end of their life, they express the immensity of the effects of the life-altering experience: a significant loss.

Having studied trauma and the effects on human beings, I’ve come to realise that even though not all losses are experienced as traumatic many grievers grapple with the effects of the trauma related to their loss. The following paragraph is a summary of the effect of trauma in relation to loss, and its neuroscientific effect on the brain.

Following the death of her dad, journalist Amy Paturel wrote a story which appeared in the Discover magazine called The Traumatic Loss of a Loved One Is Like Experiencing a Brain Injury. “According to a 2019 study published in Social Cognitive and Affective Neuroscience, grievers minimize awareness of thoughts related to their loss. The result: heightened anxiety and an inability to think straight” wrote Paturel. Additionally, Paturel shares scientists increasingly view the experience of traumatic loss as a type of brain injury.

Grief affects the brain. The loss of someone meaningful is a stressor that triggers the pituitary gland to release adrenocorticotrohin (ACTH). This sends a signal to the adrenal glands to release cortisone, a stress hormone. Given that the stressor isn’t temporary but intense, the body remains flooded by cortisone. This can cause your immune system to falter which leads to a run-down feeling. A traumatized brain leads to the primitive areas (including the fear centre) being overactive adding to feelings of stress and despair. Higher cortical areas are underactive, for example, the area that regulates emotions.

“The problem isn’t sorrow; it’s a fog of confusion, disorientation, and delusions of magical thinking,” writes Lisa Shulman, a neurologist at the University of Maryland School of Medicine, in a blog post for Johns Hopkins University Press about her book Before and After Loss: A Neurologist’s Perspective on Loss, Grief, and Our Brain. Shulman also explained that the emotional trauma of loss results in serious changes in brain function that endure.

References:

Paturel, Amy (2020). The Traumatic Loss of a Loved One Is Like Experiencing a Brain Injury,

https://www.discovermagazine.com/mind/the-traumatic-loss-of-a-loved-one-is-like-experiencing-a-brain-injury

Shulman, Lisa (2018). Before and After Loss: A Neurologist’s Perspective on Loss, Grief, and Our Brain, MD: Johns Hopkins University Press

Photo by Shifaaz shamoon on Unsplash

Cookie	Duration	Description
cookielawinfo-checkbox-analytics	11 months	This cookie is set by GDPR Cookie Consent plugin. The cookie is used to store the user consent for the cookies in the category "Analytics".
cookielawinfo-checkbox-functional	11 months	The cookie is set by GDPR cookie consent to record the user consent for the cookies in the category "Functional".
cookielawinfo-checkbox-necessary	11 months	This cookie is set by GDPR Cookie Consent plugin. The cookies is used to store the user consent for the cookies in the category "Necessary".
cookielawinfo-checkbox-others	11 months	This cookie is set by GDPR Cookie Consent plugin. The cookie is used to store the user consent for the cookies in the category "Other.
cookielawinfo-checkbox-performance	11 months	This cookie is set by GDPR Cookie Consent plugin. The cookie is used to store the user consent for the cookies in the category "Performance".
viewed_cookie_policy	11 months	The cookie is set by the GDPR Cookie Consent plugin and is used to store whether or not user has consented to the use of cookies. It does not store any personal data.